Something gotta give

Hello 2017.
Typing this while on my way back from the airport.
Yes. Been missing for so many months from this page. I do miss writing a lot. Planning to dedicate few minutes of my time to drop by and write something- is one of
the resolution that i have..(besides trying to lose the baby weight-sighhhh)
Hows life?
Well..What i can conclude is ..
Life is life. Living day by day. Be thankful always. Strive to be better everyday.

Travelling is something that i always love. Even work that requires travel. Especially by plane. 2017- insyallah i forsee a lot of traveling for me. Yes. Work travelling.

Starts with Kuala Terengganu after 10 days of new year.
Yeah. This is life!
Yet..i am missing my baby.

So near yet seems so far. I am still in the limo and looking forward to sniff those cheeks!
Coming back home is the best feeling now.
😍

Sent from my iPhone

The Art of Balancing

Imagine this.

You were never imagine yourself being married. Far away from having children. In fact, you were diagnosed in having "some-kind-of- problem" with your fertility and you are personally dislikes children.

You are living your dream as a single-career-minded girl who loves her 1 piece suits, a great handbag and shiny stilettoes. Having a good salary and a career in a corporate world is something that you are really proud off. You are proud and nothing can overcome the pride.

 

But God works in a very miraculous way. A guy enters your life. Even it's not the first time a guy stick around you for quite sometimes, but that time is really different. The guy is the one for you. The one.

 

To cut it short. You fell in love, really hard. You fell hard into this "I-love-you-till-it-hurts"- kind of love. You finally married to him and became an instant mom to 3 of his kids. Still, you don't really fancy kids. The demon inside you keep telling that kids are just pretty annoying.

 

Again God is always a great planner. He supersede the doctor's report that you obtained few years back about your fertility. Wonders of the world. Surprise! You are pregnant!

 

You don't like it. In fact, you hate being pregnant but you keep on going with someone inside you for the next 9 months of your life. You don't feel maternal at all. You feel heavy and you feel just like a transporter or carrier of a child into the world. You are numb. 

 

The time has arrive. This is it. After 36 hours of labor- a child was born. A perfect 3.1kg boy has arrived. You feel relief but clueless. Still, not maternal. You went thru a 44-days of confinement period with your husband by your side. You encountered a low level of postpartum depression. You feel nothing, even you have never failed to feed your baby boy with your own milk. Not maternal, but believe that breastmilk is the always the best food for the baby. Your future seems blur.

 

Time flies so fast- you  are back in the office after your confinement period ended. Nervous AF, you start your routine as planned. Arranging your life with a baby is relatively new to you. You're naïve. You don't know shit. You just keep on going. 

 

Despite of not feeling maternal, you are trying your very best to deliver your responsibility as a mother and not forgetting as a partner to your husband. Having a kid is a real tough job. You wake up every 2 hours to feed your baby. You drive to work. You complete your task ar the office. Breastpump is now your friend. You ensure that the milk are sufficient for the baby. You don't know what you're doing. You're tired and confuse. But, you just do. 

 

The best is yet to come. Breastfeeding is something that you never think of doing. But, you are keep fighting for it. With the list of work that never ends at the office, you never failed to go for your pumping session. Responsibility is a huge word for you. You feel down. You feel up. You feel nothing when you look at your baby. You never thought that you will be a mother.

 

A mother who are not maternal. Yes. That is you. You are always on the go. You feel guilt most of the time. You want to win it all. But deep inside, you know that YOU WILL NEVER WIN IT ALL! 

 

Your emotion is always on a rollercoaster ride. One time, you hate your partner- you hate the kids when they are visiting every weekend. But at times, you miss their company. You feel grateful to have a very patience and understanding partner. And most of the time, you feel like you are losing control. Still not maternal. Sigh.

 

Fast forward to the 5th month of being the un-maternal mom, your baby was admitted to the hospital. You faced one of the biggest trial as a parents. You don't know what to do. Your mixed feelings has created a chaos in your life. You are clueless. You are afraid of losing the baby, looking into his eyes, you are frightened but you can feel a sense of belonging to him. You pray, you learn how to be patience, you learn how to be grateful. Thank God you have friends and husband who always be by your side despite your craziness. 5 days in the hospital and the baby is getting well. You praise the Lord. You thank Him for his blessing and lesson of being a mother. 

 

Finally, you can feel the love to your baby has grown. You are in your battle. The guilt battle. The battle of being a mom and an employee. You feel like being at home all times with your baby. But you don't want to lose your life in the working arena. You stranded. You hate the FOMO. 

 

Yet, you are still here. A woman who forgot what deep sleep means now. A woman who shared her bed with a man and a boy every night. A woman who always have a fight with herself when comes to snoozing the alarm clock. A woman who works full time in the office and sometimes required travelling across the Asia Pacific countries while pumping milk in order to maintain the supply. A woman who make a chicken-carrot-spinach-porridge or fish and carrot porridge in a large quantities and keep it in her deep freezer for her baby to eat during her weekend. A woman who never thought of stop breastfeed her baby. A woman who is also an instant mom since two years ago and now in her journey to become a great mom in her own definition. 

That is you now. 

 

Nevertheless, you are thankful for every minutes of your life. You feel that this is the best moment you ever had as a humble servant of God. You moving ahead and never look back.  You consider all missing parts and pieces are lessons in life.

 

You are grateful for the work opportunity that you have. You are thankful for an understanding boss, interesting and helpful colleagues. You are blessed to have a partner that always going to pick up your nonsense and mess all these while. You are really glad to have families and friends who will be there when needed.

Not forgetting, you appreciate you baby boy that you've carried in your life since the pregnancy test marked with two lines.

 

The art of working moms. It's by choice and you are a fighter to find balance every day.

You are the art creator. You are creating your artsy journey. Everyday is a new ride. 

God is Great. 

Sometimes you are OK. Sometimes you are NOT. But, you are FINE. You love and You are be loved.

You are good. You are well.

You are you and You are NOT DONE.

💃🏼

A little something called...

It's been a week since its started..

The arrival of Holy Ramadhan.

Praise to Him for giving me the opportunity again to feel the excitement and flushes away most nonsense within the mind, body and soul.

It's arrival has made my attention span to focused into something called 'forgiveness'.

Received obvious approach of seeking forgiveness messages came across my text messaging services and throughout the social media feeds..  

To seek for forgiveness from any human being prior to the arrival of this holy month- It's been a culture fix, isn't?

Personally..I am reluctant to agree with the popular hukum which mentioned that your good deeds during Ramadhan (particularly) will not be accepted if you don't forgive or give forgiveness to other people. 

Who said so? As far as I know it wasn't stated in a proven hadith or Quran itself. 

*wondering*

Well..I am not having a specific intention on elaborating more of this seriously-hot-and-sensitive issue since I am not an islamic scholar or have a highest level of understanding in my own religion.

Alah..senang cerita..taknak tambah dosa. LoL.

My intention is merely focus on the subject itself.

Forgiveness.

Now, only two questions that has been playing in my mind since a week ago.

1. Did you ever forgive yourself with all mistakes and sins you've made in your life?

2. Forgive but never forget? Is it relevant or its just a myth?

‎Really feel like letting the idea to overflow for both qs the moment..but it's 0444am and I supposed to do something more important than this. (which is sleep):p

TBC- perhaps!

Have a blessed bulan Puasa to all.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Life...as we know it! Aha!

Life is not a rehearsal.
I was looking through the journey of my life for the past so many months since the abandonment of this page.
Grateful and Thankful.
Those are two words that could make me smile immediately..
At any times. Really.

Turning to the big 3 and owhhh.. this year.
How can I possibly deny that the age is climbing further everyday.
Am I happy? Yes. Weird isnt?
Used to see life in a shape of a box ..but somehow I have evolved with the wisdom that Ive captured in every moment of life.
Seeing life in a different perspective.
As it may easy as it seems...It is actually the hardest to be implemented.

Oh. I am married.
6++months since the "I do" day...I am still digesting the fact that I am finally married.
Lea? Married? Really?
LOL. Laugh it up, guys. I wouldnt mind..haha..
Seriously.... You know why?
By reading the word "married" itself, I would not hesitate to join you guys in yout LOL-ing-Lea-is-Married-kinda-laugh.
Its not the holy-marriage that I would like to laugh about.
But...the fact..that- Lea (the person who always pessimistic-dont really feel that one need to be married- always hesitate when comes to the marriage issue-and never had a plan to actually be married)..
Yup.. believe it or not.. Lea is now married to a man. (Definitely not an alien :P)
God works in a miraculous way isnt?
Serves me right.
Yes, people! "JODOH" exists without you realized its arrival. lol.
I have finally married to FH on Nov 1st, 2014 at Thistle Johor Bahru.

*Believe it or not?*- Thats what I always said to myself whenever I browse thru my wedding photos. lol

 *Well..this blog wouldnt turn out to be the isteri-yang-taat-blog which i dont think it will be full with how-to-be-a-great-wife-tips or how-to menawan-hati-suami-kinda-tips..lol. It always be the one and only.."sukalaralea.blogspot.com"

Its really really great to be back, people! :D