Dating in the modern day.

Well, it's five months after 2023 began.

Since November of last year, it appears that I am once more dating.  The dating game these days is kind of odd. 😂

Returning to the dating scene in your late 30s has taught and made me realise a lot of things. in particular on "what you want." 

I think that working in the corporate sector has given me a lot of knowledge about setting expectations in line. As a result, I apply the lessons I've learned throughout my profession to my dating life.

Strange yet true. They claimed that the sea is filled with fish. But have you ever pondered if your rod ever hooks any of the fish you wish to catch? What happens, for example, if you desire a specific kind of fish but the sea doesn't have that kind of fish? Hahaha. Not to be overlooked, where is the sea? heehehehe.😆

For those who knows me, I don't really like going down the typical life path in my life. My impulsivity and spirit of adventure have shaped who I am now.  I thank Allah for providing me with this life path. My life is vibrant, and of course Allah is always guiding me.  Since I am a human, I will undoubtedly make mistakes in my daily life.:)

Well, lets circle back to the topic- Dating in the new age.

Although I have learned words like "textingship" and "situationalship," I seldom ever hear people discuss "relationships." Doesn't it seem like monogamy is fading away?

Meeting new people has never been more straightforward thanks to the rise of social media and the countless dating apps available today.

I stopped dating several years ago, (of course, I stopped after I got married lol) and today I returned. In order for me to participate, I must be able to adjust to the changes.

Some of the things that I have experienced..

- Younger men are far more adventurous and curious in dating older women. In all seriousness, they don't care and envision an easy existence. I am not that wealthy to be a cougar, duh.

- Older men are still pursuing younger women. - Yes, a timeless situation that hasn't changed since a million years ago. lol

- Available single men who are single... These people fall into the category of "situationalship" or other such nonsense.

- Married men are dispersed throughout the app and continue to tell their victims they are single. Another good example. 

- Excellent single men seeking only casual sex. Remember that more and more unattractive men are also engaging in similar behaviour on several dating apps.

- Great single males who are open to companionship, business chances, scam opportunities, and any other opportunities we can't possibly imagine. lol

...and countless others. But when it comes to the dating app, sex is the main topic.

Don't get me wrong. These days, I enjoy trying out different types of dating. There are advantages and disadvantages, just like in the days of Friendster, Kawandotcom, IRC, Myspace, High5, etc.lol

I'm attempting to keep up with the pace even though I'm not sure if I'm conventional or modern enough. lol

Let me learn from this experience of the dating market's bittersweet side while we wait, though. I am not in a rush (been keep reminding myself 😂)  However, I have standards I must live up to and my own aim to pursue.

😋

Life is short. So let's cherish each moment and recognise every small success.💓

P/S:  I can now wear size 26 Levi's.

Enjoy your May! Inn sha'Allah, I'll attempt to write more.

Content. Grateful. Comfort

Hello. 

It's Friday. Another long weekend for Malaysia!

I found my own blog page while searching for my own name. What a bizarre thing to do at work while conducting research for work. lol. 😂

Hey, in 13 days I will be 37 years old!

Now how do I feel? Mixed emotions!

Why?

I never feel my 37 years. I constantly imagine myself to be 24 years old. lol.

(However, I might grow to be 29 this year.)

You you aware of how 37 normally appears? lol. I can promise you that I do not resemble the normal 37-year-old mum.

Well, these are how I'm feeling right now..

No 1. Content.

I've been happy with who I am and what I have for the past two years of my life. I do not pursue. I attract. I'll give the essential things in my life right now top priority. So stop worrying about little things. I believe that my mental health is improved by this conduct and outlook.

No 2. Grateful.

Seeing my son's face when I first wake up in the morning makes me feel blessed. Alhamdulillah, Ya Allah. The finest sensation imaginable.

One of my coworkers told me about this trick.

"You should feel thankful every morning when you first open your eyes. Why? since you are still alive!"

Exactly right. There is still time to make your life the way you want it to be while you are still living. We do that because we are human. We make plans, put in our best effort, ask God for success, and we shall succeed.

No 3. Comfort

I haven't felt this comfortable with myself in a very long time. Every time I go, I feel unfit and uncomfortable, which isn't the finest feeling in the world.

But I do think that as we get older, we learn to accept all of our shortcomings and focus on the positive aspects of ourselves.

God certainly does miracles. Anywhere I go, I feel at ease in my own skin, and I enjoy every small victory. even the smallest.

I don't pay attention to the doubters any longer.. Lantaklah korang nak cakap apa, janji tak kacau korang 😋

Anyway..

Being 37 makes me feel better in my own way, and during the previous few years, my outlook has significantly changed. It's not enough to think positively as a mantra. It's how I steer my life in a positive direction.

Even in the worst circumstances, I strive to look for the positive side of things.

I am a human after all, and I am going to make mistakes. But I don't always feel that way. Even now, I experience ups and downs.

So, let's love ourselves and our lives and #celebratesmallsuccess every day.

simply because life is short.

All of you have a blessed weekend and may Allah be with you!

I'll be back shortly, p.s. Could it be in 13 days? 😘

💓, Lea

Vulnerability

Hello there!

Here we are again. It's 2022. 

Ramadan is here. First day of fasting is in fact started today.

How do I feel? Nervous. But had to go through it anyway. I am praying to Allah for an easy first day. Despite actively involved with IF on daily basis. This Ramadan fasting is totally a different ball game. But, nawaitu is important. I just have to do my best.

At 3 am in the morning, I just want to ramble about vulnerability.

I hate to say this, but i rarely being vulnerable with a lot of people these days.

Even people said showing vulnerability  is not a sign of weakness.

Putting down the 'I am strong' crown aside when being vulnerable is something that I am really careful about.

Life experiences made me feel this way.

Tonight, I have shown my vulnerability.

Not regretting it at all. But, I had  to question myself when I was driving back home after that.

Why do I do that? Why showing vulnerability?

What is the expectation?

Obviously, the response I got by being vulnerable doesn't meet my expectations.

Again, not regretting the act.  But, I just put my two foot down. Clearing the unfinished business in my mind.

I think I lost my 'daredevil' spot at this age.

Totally forgot when was the last time I did that.

How do I feel after  being vulnerable and received the response?

I don't know. Should I continue the effort? I don't know. Should I let it go? I don't know. Does my crown cracked? I don't know. Does my ego bruised? I don't know

Come to the extend, I felt that I lost control by being vulnerable tonight. Why did I do that tho?  Lol.

But one thing for sure is, I like the relief sensation after pouring out whatever that I feel.

Hey, the feeling wasn't that bad. I guess. 

At least I took it out from my system and have clear senses after that.

Sometimes, I am just tired to have to be strong all the time.  Here you go..being vulnerable. Lol

So  I guess being vulnerable is something that I should do more at the right time and perfect moment. Practice makes perfect. 

Still, not regretting it. I am proud of myself that I have elevate to the next level. Opening up and own the feeling. Something that I don't know i will do it again very soon. It's Just feel so weird. lol 

Bear in mind, being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness.

Have a blessed Ramadan everyone. 

Till we meet again soon.

Phase of life. Hey, its 2021?!

 Hello!

I don't know why, but today I googled my name on the net.

It drives me to this blog. OMG. hahaaha

Ah.. memory remains. I browse through the blog. Re-read most of my posting here. I laughed. This blog reminds me how I was leading my life in my 20s in various phases.

Single, in denial. In relationship. In denial. Married. In denial. Divorced. In denial. Back to single as a mom. No more in denial. I am here! Living in the moment and enjoying every bits of it.

I quite happy with myself. Alhamdulillah that after all these years, I managed to experience the life that I am living now.

So many great things happened. So much experiences.

I am still smiling when writing this. Reminding myself how naive I was in my early days.

Scared of what people going to say. Afraid of taking chances. Scared of trying something new. Focus on unimportant things. Not living in the moment.. Those are some of the things that I believe I should have done better.

I wish I have the current mindset in my younger days. I would have been a better version of myself, I guess?

But, Allah has set our life from the top.

Grateful. I practice gratitude everyday. Rarely regret on my actions these days. Because I will try to be as conscious as I am in my daily lives.

Well, I have completed my 2 doses of COVID-19 vaccine. Yay! Jaga jelah SOP and doa supaya Allah lindungi. In sha Allah.

Hey, how are you doing these days? I do hope whoever read this will be protected by the Almighty.

I guess I already get used to these new-norm.

I have taken control of myself. Be conscious. I put my focus on myself more these days.

2021 has become another challenging year for all of us. I decided to elevate my life.

Focus on the attention that I should put into. Being a good person. Lost estimated 16-17kgs (Its such a big achievement for me!), try to be a good mother (definitely not the perfect one! lol), working hard to achieve the work KPI while maintaining healthy relationship with the father of my son, my family members, my parents and people that I am dealing with. 

New partner? I have no intention to get one so far. Quite content at the moment.

Honestly, I do think of getting into a new relationship sometimes (mostly before falling sleep at night) lol!. But, when the morning comes and when I started to get busy in my role as a human, mother, worker and servant of the Almighty, that desire is gone. lol.

I don't know. I guess I do have trust issue. Not sure if I can let other person to enter my circle of life anytime soon as my circle is very very small. We'll see. No rush huh?

Well, I noticed also that I don't have much friends these days. The closest friend that I have now is my baby-sister. We are more as best friend that siblings. We shared so many secrets and stories than I could ever imagine. Oh, tomorrow its her birthday! We are getting much closer since we are caught in the same single mom situation. But, we are ok. We got each other's back and I am forever grateful for the non-judgmental circle that we both created. Alhamdullilah.

Communication is the key. 

I tend to speak my mind in a better tone these days. Be nice. Assertive doesn't mean that you have to be aggressive all the time. You'll get what you want as long your intention is pure.

I wanted to say more. But I am running out of time. My next meeting is coming in 10 mins time.

I don't know who gonna read this. But, I hope that you'll gain some insights.

Patience is Virtue. Be grateful. Ask from the Almighty. He will show you the way. I don't know what the future holds. But, I am praying for my success here in this world and aim for better life in hereafter.

I'll talk again soon. Yes, soon :)

Be safe and take care of yourself.

Hey! How are you?

The new normal.

WFH. setting up new office. Juggling being a mom and an employee at the same time. everyday.

Except for weekends. lol

COVID-19 is still lingering around. So many acronyms appear these days.

MCO-CMCO-PKP-PKPB-PKPD and so much more.

Here I am. Being grateful to Allah.

Being thankful for all His blessing.

I still have a job. Alhamdulillah.

I still be able to pay my bills and do my duties as a daughter and a mom even I only seen the numbers online and within 15 minutes of spending time on online banking page- Phuffs! The numbers are shrinking! lol.

Still, in this pandemic. I am so blessed with my life.

What more could I ask for? Alhamdulillah!

Well, how are you doing?

I really hope whoever that stumbled into this blog  and reading this- he or she is also blessed with so many rezeki by Him.

Great health and good wealth. :)

15 mins left before my next global weekly meeting. 

I decided to write something here. Just to clear my mind.

Writing something nonesense - just to clear my senses.

I miss writing here. I do.

Most nights on bed, always think of writing something here. but never do. 

Humans and Procastination. 

I miss travelling. Last trip to Germany back in February 2020 which I thought would be my 1st trip of the year turned out to be my only trip of the year! Haha

Thank God I made to cologne and had so much experience with Germany train system.

I miss the smell of the airport. I miss pulling my luggage and checking in at the airlines counter.

Even i still hate packing. But I still miss the salty flight food and looking outside the window during flight.

Well.. something that I can only do now is revisiting my Instagram stories. That'll do for now.

Oh I gained few kilos and look plumped. Blame anything else than myself, please.... lol

Zafeer is getting smarter. He is healthy and active. That is one of the biggest blessing in life.

Whatelse huh? Nothing much but work. Boss is being so nice.. still. 5 years with the company this year.

Celebrated my 5th anniversary in September 2020. Yay! I love my job and i love people who I working with.

Life is good. Everyday is a blessing. Allahuakhbar. I have been blessed with lots of things in this life.

Trying hard not to be ungrateful and enjoy each day of life. But seems hard sometimes. especially when period is approaching. haha!

Women.

7 minutes left before the meeting. I better log into my Skype meeting now.

Again.. I hope you are well and I pray that you will always be blessed.

Life is a journey. Not a destination. So, lets enjoy it!

P/s: I realised that I am still 24 at heart in November- each year! :)

~Lea

26.11.2020

10.54pm

Shah Alam

Escalating the stairs- the ramblings

Looked up to the sky and wondering.
What if..and what if
Looking through the sliding door and thinking..
What if and what if

Too many what ifs has been playing on the back of my head since the divorce proceeding finalised.
Life has been a hell of rollercoaster ride for me since 1st February 2019.

Living day by day. Taking one steps at a time has been a mantra for me.
Sometimes, I feel like at the peak of the mountain.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm far deep inside the sea.

Percaya kepada qada' dab qadar Allah.
That's the Rukun Iman that I have to obey.

Another divorced case I heard to today.
While I am dealing with my own tangled life, a friend is going thru a divorce as well.

What on the earth has happened?
The big word D is something that I really hate to hear.

To my friend and the rest of human who is going thru a divorce stage..remember, we are in the same boat.
You are not alone and trust God's plan.
I am waiting for the miracle. Good things will happen and I believe that.

But now, I am down with sickness for the past 2 days.
Post divorce sickness I think?

It's been the 4th month..
I am still struggling. Really.

Ramadan is coming. Insyallah things will be better. ❤️

Best of luck to everyone.
Lea

Who knows the future?

Yes. 2 years since the last posting published here

2019 marks the 10th year anniversary of this blog. Congratulations, eh? 😂

Well, we don't know what the future holds..we never know what will happen even in the next seconds, minutes or even hour.

Quite frightening, kan? But somehow I learn how to let it go.

Newsflash! Not so much of newsflash, I think as I have opening up to more than hundreds of people via social media about it.

Here I am in Perth. First working trip of being single and back in the dating pool after so long. LOL.

Not a very proud of it. Never thought it's going to happen to me. Never know what was written by Allah to me until it arrived.

How do I feel? It such a mix feelings. Obviously sad..too sad too tell anyone and I managed to shield it with my outrageous laugh and smile.

This is an emotional rollercoaster which I did not signed up for. But was asked to ride on it. Never think of being divorced. Never think that someone I was crazily about since 7 years ago had let me go. Never planned anything to be back as a single woman with the best baggage in my life.

Do you think I want all these to happened? Do you think I am happy?
Do you think that I find it funny even I am laughing at even the simplest jokes?
Never.

But one thing I realised that..I feel relief.

What happened behind the curtains of our marriage, need not to be told here. Not important. Really.

But I am picking up pieces of my heart which are now scattered around places that I never know it exist.

We went thru this far (not that far..but still far jugak lah 😊)
The path is no longer the same for both of us...
Blamed it on anyone of us doesn't bring any good for our kid (s)
I have Zafeer to take care of. He has Zafeer as well. We need to cooperate for Zafeer. Friends with kids kinda thing? Have you heard that before? Haha

We came to the conclusion that there's nothing else that can be done.
Words uttered can't be taken back.
The lost of heart and feeling can't be back to its old home.

We accept the fate.
As cliche as it is..Tak ada jodoh..but somehow it's true. Jodoh cukup sampai di situ 😊

I am done crying. Yes, I did cry like a lot.
It's coming to the 2nd month..and one month left before my iddah ends.

What do I feel now? Numb.
Living day by day and starting back from 0.

There's always hikmah behind this.
I believe it will come because I trust Allah's plan for me..even I do not know anything about it.

The best is yet to come. Insyallah.

Sleep tight, all. ❤️

This time around..

Whenever i have time to write something here, normally I am out of town.
This time around, I am in Beijing. The internet connection so slow which unable me to scroll my instagram feed. Hmm..

I was here 2 weeks ago. And i am here again since 3 nights ago till Friyay.
Big day coming for our office in China.
So, here i am.

Sleeping alone was never fun.
I miss the warmth and the soft skin of my son.
This imagination get carried away when i am away from him.

Oh yes. The husband. The one that God sent for me. Amazing man who have 1001 characters which always confuse me. Lol. Entertaining and really one of a kind. Sometimes i wonder..what is he? Is he a human or what? I even asked him..what are you? He just said his name with much pride. Elehhh!

I love them. They are part of my world. Being far from them is something that i always want to avoid. But, God knows what I need. Ya. I do need a break sometimes.

Working outstation can considered a good break for a fulltime working mom like me. Its really hard to feel relax whenever i am at home. Theres always something or somewhat need to be done.
So, here i am. On a king sized bed..like a starfish. Take it as privillege. Its not easy. Its not always fun while working outstation.

People always tend to see the fun part of it. Naik flight turun flight. Masuk hotel keluar hotel. Ya..indeed those are the best feeling when travelling for work. But, have you ever wondered the bad side of it? The workload.
The long working hours? The responsibility that you have to take.
Its not all fun..people!
This is not a holiday. This is work.

Well..i am just plain boring tonight.
I am winding down. Have to get up early tomorrow. Wish me luck this Friday!

Selamat malam.
Signing out from East Beijing. 😊

Sent from my iPhone

The last day of February

What i have learned on the last day of February in 2017 in my life?

1. Trust is mend to be broken? I dont know.
2. Life is short. But you may plan your life wisely.
3. Do not waste food. Yes. I fried the tenggiri after 1 week + in the freezer.
4. Be thankful on what you have now. My son is getting well.
5. Sadaqah can comes in many form. Yay! I have finally get the 4th anak susuan tonight.
6. You are naive before. Dont be too hard on yourself.
7. Sajadah is the best mat in the world. My babysister brought me the thick one last weekend. :)
8. Be forgiven to all the misjudgement in your younger days. Still trying.
9. Betrayal is one of a biggest form of a heartbreak.
10. You are enough today. Be happy on yourself.
11. Forgiveness is cheap.
12. Laugh anytime. Dont take life too seriously.
13. Cry while prostrate is a very satisfying act.
14. Love deeply at anytime. To anyone. To anything.
15. Breastfeeding is a norm.
16. Always attend to yourself first. Regardless in any circumstances.
17. Respect is to be earned. Despite your position.
18. Dreams do came true.
19. Clean eating is hard when you are breastfeed . Alasan much :p
20. Life is about living. Hidup je laaahh
21. Do not suppress your emotions. Say ' fuck you ' when necessary. Lol
22. Blood is thicker than water or water is thicker than blood? Idk. No blood no water at the moment.
23. Everything in this world is on loan terms
24. Make mistake and admit. Please make sure its never be repeated trice. Hehe
25. Hard boiled eggs is a great source of protein. I am hungry all the time.
26. You are alone in your life. What? You dont realised that before?
27. My son is the reason why i am still here. This is absolutely true.
28. I am bored despite the busyness. Typical me.
29. What? It's March already? 😱

May March bring us more greatness in life.

Good night and sleep tight. 😘

Sent from my iPhone

Oh..pity the self-pity

I had a very rough moment a week before my trip to Myanmar.
With the work load, the urgent stuff which comes from the boss who was away and had a huge difference of time zone, kelam kabutness preparing for my trip itinerary, arranging for the current checklist and etc etc..oh not forgetting, the period has also decided to drop by within the same time as well.. and yasss! The drop of milk production was adding the cherry on top of my volcano.

Sigh. Emotion wrecked. Pretty bad. Really. I blew up my tantrum like a kid who didn't get the attention that she needs while I was in the office that one day. I cried during my pumping session in the surau. My milk didn't increase, of course. My phone didn't stop beeping. My body ache and I spread the bad vibes to the entire room in the office.

I cried about 3 minutes. Then I suddenly stop.
Enough with the self pity. I havent had this kind of break down since my confinement day, I guess? No one force me to be in this situation.

Why so much pressure?
I hate self pity. I was raised without much empathy. Not even to myself. Pretty weird huh? But thats what i realised since i been married. And when talk about self pity? Ya right..it has never been practice. Not even my mother taught me so.

So, why did I cry?
The answer is easy. The pressure came because I wanted to win it all. Yes. Win it all. We women were taught that 'We can make it all happen'..'We are independent'..'We can win it all' 😜
Not to say those are wrong. But the mistake made by most women is..we take all of that phrase literally.

Win it all doesnt mean you can have it all the things in the world that you want. Independent is not meant for you to do all the house chores by your own..or keep the house spotless clean while taking care of your kids without the help of your husband. Make it all happen does not mean you must provide all the requests on your work in a ridiculous timeline.

Well, i was wrong. I lost my balance and i took all the sayings literally. Yes. Each of it. Literally. I lost in the battle given by God. I have encountered the first meltdown of 2017. Perfect way to start the new year huh?

Life must go on. Cheesy as it is. I wiped out my tears. Completed my pumping session and started my session to The One.
That was all i did before i went back into the office with a different vibes.

Two things i have learnt that day.
No.1- I can win it all (only with my own definition and help from people in my surroundings)
No.2- Self pity doesn't help much in life. I can be sad but not pity myself for nothing.

Because life is like that 😜

Oh, Happy Chinese New Year.
Have a great long weekend, people!

Sent from my iPhone

Just another manic Monday

It was raining this morning.
I didnt have a good sleep for the past 3 days.
Well, to be honest ..i forgot what great sleep mean since I saw the 2 lines on the pregnancy test - which was more than a year ago.
Zafeer had a fever on Friday .Teething maybe? Not sure of what..we went to the clinic on Saturday as his temperature spiked that morning.
Ah..it was a viral fever. Glad but still worried. Thats a typical mak2 syndrome which i never fancy when it occurs.
Weekend was quite packed with family activities. Parents in law came visited us..small family gathering.. spending time with the kids..and the biggest responsibility which was taking care of my sick baby.
And when all is done..Monday has arrived. Safely.
But my week just started again.
Work days make its appearance again.
Zafeer is getting better. Work is never finish.
Family is the fundamental.
And I must find time for me and FH to huuhaa again. Yes. Its been a while since we had our night out.
Come back to reality. Monday flies so fast.
Yet, at this hour..i still need to switch on my laptop.
Manic Monday, I guess.
Just as it is.
May all of us have a pleasant week,eh?

☺
Sent from my iPhone

Something gotta give

Hello 2017.
Typing this while on my way back from the airport.
Yes. Been missing for so many months from this page. I do miss writing a lot. Planning to dedicate few minutes of my time to drop by and write something- is one of
the resolution that i have..(besides trying to lose the baby weight-sighhhh)
Hows life?
Well..What i can conclude is ..
Life is life. Living day by day. Be thankful always. Strive to be better everyday.

Travelling is something that i always love. Even work that requires travel. Especially by plane. 2017- insyallah i forsee a lot of traveling for me. Yes. Work travelling.

Starts with Kuala Terengganu after 10 days of new year.
Yeah. This is life!
Yet..i am missing my baby.

So near yet seems so far. I am still in the limo and looking forward to sniff those cheeks!
Coming back home is the best feeling now.
😍

Sent from my iPhone

The Art of Balancing

Imagine this.

You were never imagine yourself being married. Far away from having children. In fact, you were diagnosed in having "some-kind-of- problem" with your fertility and you are personally dislikes children.

You are living your dream as a single-career-minded girl who loves her 1 piece suits, a great handbag and shiny stilettoes. Having a good salary and a career in a corporate world is something that you are really proud off. You are proud and nothing can overcome the pride.

 

But God works in a very miraculous way. A guy enters your life. Even it's not the first time a guy stick around you for quite sometimes, but that time is really different. The guy is the one for you. The one.

 

To cut it short. You fell in love, really hard. You fell hard into this "I-love-you-till-it-hurts"- kind of love. You finally married to him and became an instant mom to 3 of his kids. Still, you don't really fancy kids. The demon inside you keep telling that kids are just pretty annoying.

 

Again God is always a great planner. He supersede the doctor's report that you obtained few years back about your fertility. Wonders of the world. Surprise! You are pregnant!

 

You don't like it. In fact, you hate being pregnant but you keep on going with someone inside you for the next 9 months of your life. You don't feel maternal at all. You feel heavy and you feel just like a transporter or carrier of a child into the world. You are numb. 

 

The time has arrive. This is it. After 36 hours of labor- a child was born. A perfect 3.1kg boy has arrived. You feel relief but clueless. Still, not maternal. You went thru a 44-days of confinement period with your husband by your side. You encountered a low level of postpartum depression. You feel nothing, even you have never failed to feed your baby boy with your own milk. Not maternal, but believe that breastmilk is the always the best food for the baby. Your future seems blur.

 

Time flies so fast- you  are back in the office after your confinement period ended. Nervous AF, you start your routine as planned. Arranging your life with a baby is relatively new to you. You're naïve. You don't know shit. You just keep on going. 

 

Despite of not feeling maternal, you are trying your very best to deliver your responsibility as a mother and not forgetting as a partner to your husband. Having a kid is a real tough job. You wake up every 2 hours to feed your baby. You drive to work. You complete your task ar the office. Breastpump is now your friend. You ensure that the milk are sufficient for the baby. You don't know what you're doing. You're tired and confuse. But, you just do. 

 

The best is yet to come. Breastfeeding is something that you never think of doing. But, you are keep fighting for it. With the list of work that never ends at the office, you never failed to go for your pumping session. Responsibility is a huge word for you. You feel down. You feel up. You feel nothing when you look at your baby. You never thought that you will be a mother.

 

A mother who are not maternal. Yes. That is you. You are always on the go. You feel guilt most of the time. You want to win it all. But deep inside, you know that YOU WILL NEVER WIN IT ALL! 

 

Your emotion is always on a rollercoaster ride. One time, you hate your partner- you hate the kids when they are visiting every weekend. But at times, you miss their company. You feel grateful to have a very patience and understanding partner. And most of the time, you feel like you are losing control. Still not maternal. Sigh.

 

Fast forward to the 5th month of being the un-maternal mom, your baby was admitted to the hospital. You faced one of the biggest trial as a parents. You don't know what to do. Your mixed feelings has created a chaos in your life. You are clueless. You are afraid of losing the baby, looking into his eyes, you are frightened but you can feel a sense of belonging to him. You pray, you learn how to be patience, you learn how to be grateful. Thank God you have friends and husband who always be by your side despite your craziness. 5 days in the hospital and the baby is getting well. You praise the Lord. You thank Him for his blessing and lesson of being a mother. 

 

Finally, you can feel the love to your baby has grown. You are in your battle. The guilt battle. The battle of being a mom and an employee. You feel like being at home all times with your baby. But you don't want to lose your life in the working arena. You stranded. You hate the FOMO. 

 

Yet, you are still here. A woman who forgot what deep sleep means now. A woman who shared her bed with a man and a boy every night. A woman who always have a fight with herself when comes to snoozing the alarm clock. A woman who works full time in the office and sometimes required travelling across the Asia Pacific countries while pumping milk in order to maintain the supply. A woman who make a chicken-carrot-spinach-porridge or fish and carrot porridge in a large quantities and keep it in her deep freezer for her baby to eat during her weekend. A woman who never thought of stop breastfeed her baby. A woman who is also an instant mom since two years ago and now in her journey to become a great mom in her own definition. 

That is you now. 

 

Nevertheless, you are thankful for every minutes of your life. You feel that this is the best moment you ever had as a humble servant of God. You moving ahead and never look back.  You consider all missing parts and pieces are lessons in life.

 

You are grateful for the work opportunity that you have. You are thankful for an understanding boss, interesting and helpful colleagues. You are blessed to have a partner that always going to pick up your nonsense and mess all these while. You are really glad to have families and friends who will be there when needed.

Not forgetting, you appreciate you baby boy that you've carried in your life since the pregnancy test marked with two lines.

 

The art of working moms. It's by choice and you are a fighter to find balance every day.

You are the art creator. You are creating your artsy journey. Everyday is a new ride. 

God is Great. 

Sometimes you are OK. Sometimes you are NOT. But, you are FINE. You love and You are be loved.

You are good. You are well.

You are you and You are NOT DONE.

💃🏼

A little something called...

It's been a week since its started..

The arrival of Holy Ramadhan.

Praise to Him for giving me the opportunity again to feel the excitement and flushes away most nonsense within the mind, body and soul.

It's arrival has made my attention span to focused into something called 'forgiveness'.

Received obvious approach of seeking forgiveness messages came across my text messaging services and throughout the social media feeds..  

To seek for forgiveness from any human being prior to the arrival of this holy month- It's been a culture fix, isn't?

Personally..I am reluctant to agree with the popular hukum which mentioned that your good deeds during Ramadhan (particularly) will not be accepted if you don't forgive or give forgiveness to other people. 

Who said so? As far as I know it wasn't stated in a proven hadith or Quran itself. 

*wondering*

Well..I am not having a specific intention on elaborating more of this seriously-hot-and-sensitive issue since I am not an islamic scholar or have a highest level of understanding in my own religion.

Alah..senang cerita..taknak tambah dosa. LoL.

My intention is merely focus on the subject itself.

Forgiveness.

Now, only two questions that has been playing in my mind since a week ago.

1. Did you ever forgive yourself with all mistakes and sins you've made in your life?

2. Forgive but never forget? Is it relevant or its just a myth?

‎Really feel like letting the idea to overflow for both qs the moment..but it's 0444am and I supposed to do something more important than this. (which is sleep):p

TBC- perhaps!

Have a blessed bulan Puasa to all.

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Life...as we know it! Aha!

Life is not a rehearsal.
I was looking through the journey of my life for the past so many months since the abandonment of this page.
Grateful and Thankful.
Those are two words that could make me smile immediately..
At any times. Really.

Turning to the big 3 and owhhh.. this year.
How can I possibly deny that the age is climbing further everyday.
Am I happy? Yes. Weird isnt?
Used to see life in a shape of a box ..but somehow I have evolved with the wisdom that Ive captured in every moment of life.
Seeing life in a different perspective.
As it may easy as it seems...It is actually the hardest to be implemented.

Oh. I am married.
6++months since the "I do" day...I am still digesting the fact that I am finally married.
Lea? Married? Really?
LOL. Laugh it up, guys. I wouldnt mind..haha..
Seriously.... You know why?
By reading the word "married" itself, I would not hesitate to join you guys in yout LOL-ing-Lea-is-Married-kinda-laugh.
Its not the holy-marriage that I would like to laugh about.
But...the fact..that- Lea (the person who always pessimistic-dont really feel that one need to be married- always hesitate when comes to the marriage issue-and never had a plan to actually be married)..
Yup.. believe it or not.. Lea is now married to a man. (Definitely not an alien :P)
God works in a miraculous way isnt?
Serves me right.
Yes, people! "JODOH" exists without you realized its arrival. lol.
I have finally married to FH on Nov 1st, 2014 at Thistle Johor Bahru.

*Believe it or not?*- Thats what I always said to myself whenever I browse thru my wedding photos. lol

 *Well..this blog wouldnt turn out to be the isteri-yang-taat-blog which i dont think it will be full with how-to-be-a-great-wife-tips or how-to menawan-hati-suami-kinda-tips..lol. It always be the one and only.."sukalaralea.blogspot.com"

Its really really great to be back, people! :D

Twenty months since....

Well, Hello.
Its been 20 months since the last posting on this blog.
Things have evolved a lot in my life for that duration.

As usual, too many things..too many stories..which I believe that I am not be able to share all at one go.
But one thing for sure..
Its really good to be back!
lol.

Laters, people!

September whateverlah!

In between of so many events happened in my life..
I realized that over-thinking could destroy the concentration on taking care of myself.
Worrying, being in control, targets to achieve, perfection are some of  the issues that always on my mind which normally give something bad to me as a normal human being.

So, this September...I decided to leave everything to HIM on certain issues which I have tried to settle and I will try my very best to say this phrase (whenever needed)...

I was lol-ed at myself recently.

Seriously, for me to say "WHATEVERLAH!" is one of the hardest thing to do besides saying "NO" 

Note to myself and everybody - Happiness is a choice. Overthinking kills! Stop being a control freak!

Happy September, people! 3 months to 2014. Be safe!

She is 23 today? Really?

I always see her as a baby sister.

The perception has never changed since the first time we met.

I remember that I was the one who wanted a baby sister where Ngah and Kaklong wanted a younger brother. I dont know why the 5 year old me said that when we were asked by Abah years ago.. ' nak adik lelaki ke nak perempuan?' -_-''

I still remember the 1st time I saw her. She didnt even look like me. Her skin is a bit tanned.. her eyes were bigger than mine...unlike me- her hair were curly and beautiful..oh..she didnt even cry much and she was a skinny baby compared to me back then. Lol

The baby sister named 'noor ashikin' was the centre of attraction.  The jealousy was blooming in my heart.  Being the last child before she was born..I was the fav! 

But, when Abah and Mummy explained...it seems like me no longer the centre of attraction among 4 of us... sad..so sad. Yes. I was jealous and blaming myself for not choosing the same answer as kaklong and ngah - which is 'a younger brother!' and Not a baby sister! Arghh! 

However, our 5 years of age gap with the responsibility given by my parents to take care of her when Mummy has to go to work has erased the jelaousy over the time.

She grew up to become my baby sister, my closest friend, my secret keeper and someone that I know will always be there for me whenever I needed. 

We grew up together and we went thru so many stages of life due to the age gap between kaklong and ngah. She had no choice to turned to but me..hehe.  

She is matured, very independent, very witty, street-smart, patience and funny. we were born in a totally different personality. It makes us more special when she always forgot that I am her big sister since I treated her as my friend from day one we met and maybe because I refused to be called 'kakak' or 'kak chik'. Euw!

Still, she respect me as her big sister. (whenever she needed to or when I reminded her) :p

A reminder appear on my mobile and a sms reminder about her birthday from Mummy made me write this. 

As time goes by, I never know that my baby sister grew up so fast (since I never acted like 'kakak2')..she is more firm than me and has becoming a woman who always know what she wants ( ya..ya..she wants to be married and have kids- thats what I know now..eheheh)

19th August , 23 years ago.. she was born and has brought joy to our family. Shes the youngest who never acted like one.. hehe (kaklong is much manja than her). 

Happy 23rd birthday, Teacher Noor Ashikin. 

I wish you all the best in everything you do..get HIS blessing and all your wishes will come true..soon!. Insyaallah

Thank you for being the greatest baby sister and a good friend who I never thought you will be. 

I guess your presence in our life is a bless by Him. (thank God I am not the youngest..hihihi)

Again..

Happy 23rd birthday , kin!

I am so proud and feel blessed to have a sister like you in my life.

Please take care of yourself like you always do...

You may redeem your birthday present next month, okay! :p

Hope you will enjoy the day with #ptl. LoL

*#ptl - part time lover (the indication that she always use to refer to her boyfriend)..i dont think he is a part timer in her heart anymore since hari2 pergi dating jeeerr. Hihi. 

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Purple-ish

I had a very bad Monday..

Nothing has been good in office since few months back.

In fact, the situation has resulted in me losing few kilos. 

To add with other nonsense..i guess I deserved a good de-stress session for myself.

Purple is the most fav color for the time being. So, after a good hair wash..decided to do my manicure and pedicure which always been the monthly routine.

Despite of shine buffing, I asked them to paint my nails nicely.

As usual, lost appetite towards food and I feel so weak and sleepy.

Might call it a night soon!

Yes..i dont fancy Monday. Never like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and quarter of Friday..

I just love the weekend.

How was your Monday so far?

Hope its better than mine!

Friday, come faster!

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

Syawal 2013

Nothing fancy. I am becoming a person who doesn't fancy Raya anymore..

Anyway.....Selamat Hari Raya!

Us,- Atuk Jah, Tengku, Abah, Kaklong, Todt, Yaya and Keen ..without Ngah...(as usual) and no more Atuk Bak in the picture.. :( We missed him..

 I feel your love- abah! :D

Tiga duri dihati Tengku. hihi

 My hijabster baby sister! love!

Its 5th Syawal..me already in the office. Le sighhhhhhh...... -_-"