I wish I could fell asleep as easy as before.
Heh...
Let me just feel it again...
I am tired of having a sleepless night....
and I am sick of nightmares....
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Susah hati
Susah hati- tak sukanya rasa camni..
Datangnya susah hati ni bila apa yang kita harapkan mungkin tak jadi...dan apa kita plan kan mungkin tak tercapai..
Macammana nak buangkan rasa susah hati ni?
Ok..hari ni betul2 susah hati..
Sikit punya pasal mood semua dah lari...
Ada dua tiga benda yang membuatkan kita susah hati..Pandang kanan
Pandang kiri..
Cuba ketawa..Ingat benda2 lawak..still rasa susah hati..
Pendek kata- selagi tak sampai hajat tu- selagi tu susah hati...
Hem.. semua rasa tak kena..
Tak suka la rasa camni...
Nak balik tdo la ...
Dok kat ofis melangok tak buat apa pun...
Susah hati makin menjadi2...
Hemmm.....
Heh kan rasa susah hati camni..
Mari doa banyak2 dalam hati..cuma doa je yang mampu dibuat kala ini..
=(
Lea betul2 susah hati ni...
Haihh...
Datangnya susah hati ni bila apa yang kita harapkan mungkin tak jadi...dan apa kita plan kan mungkin tak tercapai..
Macammana nak buangkan rasa susah hati ni?
Ok..hari ni betul2 susah hati..
Sikit punya pasal mood semua dah lari...
Ada dua tiga benda yang membuatkan kita susah hati..Pandang kanan
Pandang kiri..
Cuba ketawa..Ingat benda2 lawak..still rasa susah hati..
Pendek kata- selagi tak sampai hajat tu- selagi tu susah hati...
Hem.. semua rasa tak kena..
Tak suka la rasa camni...
Nak balik tdo la ...
Dok kat ofis melangok tak buat apa pun...
Susah hati makin menjadi2...
Hemmm.....
Heh kan rasa susah hati camni..
Mari doa banyak2 dalam hati..cuma doa je yang mampu dibuat kala ini..
=(
Lea betul2 susah hati ni...
Haihh...
Monday, January 4, 2010
Feeling sick
Here I am..On my bed - Monday morning-1st working day in 2010 at 11.20 am
I feel sick suddenly- this morning..
I haven't feel this way for more than 3-4 months..
Rasa sejuk..I am folding myself with gebar.
Laptop atas peha, the tv is on...
Feel down and seram sejuk.
I am alone....at home where all the housemates are missing in action.
I don't feel good..seriously.
Mengada2? Nope.
Why should I do this when I have no one around me? Heh..
I am sick in and out.
But still can smoke..-consider ok lagi la tu..:P
But, I am telling myself to be strong..mandi and will be driving to the clinic..soon!
Da besar dah...tak yah mintak tolong orang selagi larat..Lagipun nak jadi independent, kenalah buat semua benda sendiri... hemm.....
=) Jangan biarkan diri anda demam dalam dan luaran...disebabkan kesepian yang dialami..Phew..makan dalam tu.....:P
I feel sick suddenly- this morning..
I haven't feel this way for more than 3-4 months..
Rasa sejuk..I am folding myself with gebar.
Laptop atas peha, the tv is on...
Feel down and seram sejuk.
I am alone....at home where all the housemates are missing in action.
I don't feel good..seriously.
Mengada2? Nope.
Why should I do this when I have no one around me? Heh..
I am sick in and out.
But still can smoke..-consider ok lagi la tu..:P
But, I am telling myself to be strong..mandi and will be driving to the clinic..soon!
Da besar dah...tak yah mintak tolong orang selagi larat..Lagipun nak jadi independent, kenalah buat semua benda sendiri... hemm.....
=) Jangan biarkan diri anda demam dalam dan luaran...disebabkan kesepian yang dialami..Phew..makan dalam tu.....:P
Make it private and welcome 2010
I make it private just for one day..
Cleared all the irrelevant posting related to my previous relationship.
Hemm...
I would like to let go all the memories that I've been holding it for the past more less 5 years.
My first posting on 2010.
Oh..my new year celebration- Is there any? Heheh..
I went out for a small shopping therapy with a housemate- Na.
KLCC was so packed with thousands faces..
We laughed....We shopped..We smoke... we bought pizza and potato salad- then let ourselves enjoying the views by sitting on the walkway-
Laughed, giggled and feel the greatness of being single again.
We went back at 10pm..Had dinner at Cosy Place...We were the last customer of 2009!
Watched the fireworks while driving along DUKE and went to the cyber cafe before we reached home around 3 am...
It was fun! Even without a partner- we had much fun by doing whatever we want without have to think of anybody =)
But the feelings- not entirely happy ..It was fun until we lay down on our bed.
Alone. Sepi.
Oh..sangat single rasanya! Hemm...
Tutup mata- matikan rasa sepi dan terus tido!
The excitement continued on the 1st January itself...
Heh! =) Let me keep it to myself.. Hemmmm....
But I really had fun ;)
Pipi sakit sebab ketawa dan senyum tak berhenti...
The weekend was a great one...:)
It was a good start for me in 2010.
I have my friends, my close friends and my best friends around me..
The most important thing- I have my family who always be by myside... ;)
Welcome 2010.
I already opening my new book and lets continue the adventure!
Cleared all the irrelevant posting related to my previous relationship.
Hemm...
I would like to let go all the memories that I've been holding it for the past more less 5 years.
My first posting on 2010.
Oh..my new year celebration- Is there any? Heheh..
I went out for a small shopping therapy with a housemate- Na.
KLCC was so packed with thousands faces..
We laughed....We shopped..We smoke... we bought pizza and potato salad- then let ourselves enjoying the views by sitting on the walkway-
Laughed, giggled and feel the greatness of being single again.
We went back at 10pm..Had dinner at Cosy Place...We were the last customer of 2009!
Watched the fireworks while driving along DUKE and went to the cyber cafe before we reached home around 3 am...
It was fun! Even without a partner- we had much fun by doing whatever we want without have to think of anybody =)
But the feelings- not entirely happy ..It was fun until we lay down on our bed.
Alone. Sepi.
Oh..sangat single rasanya! Hemm...
Tutup mata- matikan rasa sepi dan terus tido!
The excitement continued on the 1st January itself...
Heh! =) Let me keep it to myself.. Hemmmm....
But I really had fun ;)
Pipi sakit sebab ketawa dan senyum tak berhenti...
The weekend was a great one...:)
It was a good start for me in 2010.
I have my friends, my close friends and my best friends around me..
The most important thing- I have my family who always be by myside... ;)
Welcome 2010.
I already opening my new book and lets continue the adventure!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Dinn-er Al-one
After solat last night, I felt so alone..Haiiih..
I can't stay up all night and do nothing until the sleeping time comes.
So, I've decided to fill up my time alone.
I haven't done this for quite sometime..
While crusing on the road, at the same time- I had a telephone conversation with Mom.
She was very supportive and yet told me that I can live like this. I mean- Single!
Without I realized, I was driving towards Bangsar. Wth???
So, I parked my car and planned to have dinner at CB. Oh, I missed the hot choc..seriously.
After refilling my nicotine box at KK, I walked to CB.
Someone tapped my shoulders and gave a big smile- I can't remember the face...She smiled again and said,
"I can't remember your name. But I do recognize your face! You are from MK ,rite? and you are alone?"
Oh..there it goes.. I forgot the fact that I have to face this kind of scenario starting from now on.
After a few minutes of conversation and told her that I am no longer with Ollie, (she showed her sympathy by saying- SORRY!- heh!for what? It was my fault btw), I continue my journey to CB.
Her question was stucked on my mind. Is that obvious? See? How close am I to him and I am practically prepare to face that kind of question from our common friends.. Hemmm...Ready? Heh!
After paying for my light dinner, I sat at the corner of the cafe. While reading, eating and later-smoking...I realized that the people keep on looking at me weirdly.
Just because I am a women and alone..It makes me feel so uncomfortable..
Now I remember how I looked at women while they eat alone, shop alone or even walk alone in the shopping mall..
This Hehhhh feeling - not so good! Seriously uncomfortable....
Hemm...
But who cares..I was enjoying my dinner alone even some people keep looking at me as if im some sort of an alien.
I am just alone...and I am the one who choose to be like this..
Ok lah kan? and the best thing- I am the one who paying for my hot chocolate and my tasty chicken pie.. not them..
So, I just let them looking at me while I am enjoying my dinner alone.
Is not that bad pun kan?
=)
I can't stay up all night and do nothing until the sleeping time comes.
So, I've decided to fill up my time alone.
I haven't done this for quite sometime..
While crusing on the road, at the same time- I had a telephone conversation with Mom.
She was very supportive and yet told me that I can live like this. I mean- Single!
Without I realized, I was driving towards Bangsar. Wth???
So, I parked my car and planned to have dinner at CB. Oh, I missed the hot choc..seriously.
After refilling my nicotine box at KK, I walked to CB.
Someone tapped my shoulders and gave a big smile- I can't remember the face...She smiled again and said,
"I can't remember your name. But I do recognize your face! You are from MK ,rite? and you are alone?"
Oh..there it goes.. I forgot the fact that I have to face this kind of scenario starting from now on.
After a few minutes of conversation and told her that I am no longer with Ollie, (she showed her sympathy by saying- SORRY!- heh!for what? It was my fault btw), I continue my journey to CB.
Her question was stucked on my mind. Is that obvious? See? How close am I to him and I am practically prepare to face that kind of question from our common friends.. Hemmm...Ready? Heh!
After paying for my light dinner, I sat at the corner of the cafe. While reading, eating and later-smoking...I realized that the people keep on looking at me weirdly.
Just because I am a women and alone..It makes me feel so uncomfortable..
Now I remember how I looked at women while they eat alone, shop alone or even walk alone in the shopping mall..
This Hehhhh feeling - not so good! Seriously uncomfortable....
Hemm...
But who cares..I was enjoying my dinner alone even some people keep looking at me as if im some sort of an alien.
I am just alone...and I am the one who choose to be like this..
Ok lah kan? and the best thing- I am the one who paying for my hot chocolate and my tasty chicken pie.. not them..
So, I just let them looking at me while I am enjoying my dinner alone.
Is not that bad pun kan?
=)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
New year
2010
The best yet to come.
Pray hard everyone!
Whats for new year?
Me?
No plan at the moment.
I just need to take some rest for a while.
Boring? Yup..sometimes..
Missing someone?
Yup! Sometimes..
Enjoying my life?
Yes! Sometimes...
Whatelse?
I am in the office and do nothing.
Funny eh!
So...whats your plan for the new year celebration?
I hate the club scenes, bad traffic, crazy drunk guy, small space and so many people at one time, too many sexy girls and sexy bloke at one time, uninvited guests to a party, girls who dressed blindly, LOUD music , rempits , bohjan bohsia and ladabohs..ok..whatever!
I just want to be at a peaceful place...=)
and I am single..
The best yet to come.
Pray hard everyone!
Whats for new year?
Me?
No plan at the moment.
I just need to take some rest for a while.
Boring? Yup..sometimes..
Missing someone?
Yup! Sometimes..
Enjoying my life?
Yes! Sometimes...
Whatelse?
I am in the office and do nothing.
Funny eh!
So...whats your plan for the new year celebration?
I hate the club scenes, bad traffic, crazy drunk guy, small space and so many people at one time, too many sexy girls and sexy bloke at one time, uninvited guests to a party, girls who dressed blindly, LOUD music , rempits , bohjan bohsia and ladabohs..ok..whatever!
I just want to be at a peaceful place...=)
and I am single..
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Rasa
Mungkin kali ini agak emo sikit cara aku tulis.
2009
Macam2 da jadi.
Lahir lah blog ni nak menceritakan pasal hidup aku yang takde specialnya ni...
Blog yang ditemui oleh manusia yang aku mahu dialah mahkluk terakhir yang tahu aku ada blog..
Haru biru hidup aku
Suka gembira perjalanan seharian..
Tapi yang pasti,
penghujung 2009 telah banyak membuatkan aku berfikir dan mengenang segala salah dan silap serta dosa-dosa besar yang dah aku buat selama ni...
Kejam kah aku?
Ya..
Jahat kah aku?
Ya..
Hina kah aku?
Ya..
Lemah kah aku?
Ya..
Semua diatas adalah perkara-perkara yang aku rasakan sekarang dan ketika ini bilamana mata tak dapat terpejam dan ngantuk tak kunjung tiba selepas tamatnya majlis persandingan kawan rapat aku yang da 9 tahun kenal.
Macam2 rasa ada dalam hati.
Tak tertulis kat sini kerana aku sekarang rasa terlalu jijik pada diri sendiri.
Bersalah pada diri dan tuhan tak pernah menghukum manusia lain atas kesalahan diri sendiri.
Jijik..geli..berdosa..Haru Biru jadinya.
Tak ada yang lebih baik jika aku dapat ulang masa.
Kalau boleh, dengan apa yang dah aku buat selama nak masuk 25 tahun hidup atas muka bumi ni, rasa2nya nak balik semula ke masa yang mana aku baru keluar dari perut mak aku.
4 November 1985.
Dimana masa tu, aku takde apa2 dosa pun.
Tapi, mana mungkin kan?
Tu semua cakap2 kosong yang mana tak tercapai dek pemikiran.
Semua rasa bercampur baur..
Haih..
Bukan saje berdosa pada tuhan (yang dah tentu2 ada)
Malah- aku rasa berdosa pada sesetengah manusia yang dah banyak berbakti pada diri aku.
Cakaplah aku tak kenang budi..Cakaplah aku perempuan jahat..
Cakaplah aku tak sedar diri..
Cakaplah macam2 benda yang aku sendiri akan rasa hina dengan diri sendiri bila dengar ....
Heh kan?
Ikut nafsu lesu..Ikut hati, mati.
Ini lah dia rasa yang macam2 tu dalam hati.
Berkait rapat antara satu sama lain.
Aku dah mintak ampun..aku dah mintak maaf..
Dan kata manusia itu, dia dah maafkan aku.. Itu kata dekat mulut..kata dekat hati? Tuhan je yang tahu.
Tapi, harap2 dia maafkan aku seikhlas hatinya sebagaimana ikhlasnya dia jaga aku,bela aku, cinta aku,kasihkan aku selama 5 tahun aku dalam hidup dia.
Aku memang tak sedar diri kan?
Hehh nyaaaa!
Manusia buat silap..aku pun manusia..
Tapi, silap kali ni antara yang terbesar dalam hidup aku.
Terimalah rasa yang macam2 ni dalam hati.
Tapi, sokongan yang aku dapat dari macam2 pihak membuatkan aku mampu lagi tersengih2 dan ketawa besar kadang2..
Aku dah hilang "comfort zone" aku yang mana kehilangan itu adalah disebabkan kesilapan aku sendiri.
Duduk2 lepas subuh tadi, hati berdebar..bulu roma naik...
Haihh..tak pernah rasa camni..
Keputusan dah dibuat. Bukan dari aku tapi dari dia.
Keputusan dah dicapai disebabkan insiden yang aku sendiri tak tahu macammana aku boleh hilang akal dan jadi seberani bodoh begitu.
Akal dah tak boleh berfungsi pada masa tu rasanya.
Nak buang jauh2 imiginasi yang telah diulang tayang dalam fikiran.
Heh betul!
Aku rasa aku perlu bukak buku baru tahun depan.
Buku baru..Hidup baru..Gaya hidup baru...oh, dan sedang terfikir nak jadi NOOR ALIA yang baru.
Kena diri atas kaki sendiri. Semua kena buat sendiri..Belajar idup susah kembali.
Aku mintak doa dengan tuhan supaya tunjukkan aku jalan yang betul dan bagi petunjuk yang mana keputusan aku dah buat tu adalah tepat.
Sebab aku tak pernah buat camni dan mengalami situasi begini.
Rasa menyesal jangan cakaplah kan?!
Mari doa ramai2 supaya 2010 ni jadi lagi baik dari sebelumnya.
Hah.. dah 7 pagi mata masih tak mahu pejam2 lagi..
Macammana niiii????
Oh..nanti sambung lagi!
Selamat pagi!
2009
Macam2 da jadi.
Lahir lah blog ni nak menceritakan pasal hidup aku yang takde specialnya ni...
Blog yang ditemui oleh manusia yang aku mahu dialah mahkluk terakhir yang tahu aku ada blog..
Haru biru hidup aku
Suka gembira perjalanan seharian..
Tapi yang pasti,
penghujung 2009 telah banyak membuatkan aku berfikir dan mengenang segala salah dan silap serta dosa-dosa besar yang dah aku buat selama ni...
Kejam kah aku?
Ya..
Jahat kah aku?
Ya..
Hina kah aku?
Ya..
Lemah kah aku?
Ya..
Semua diatas adalah perkara-perkara yang aku rasakan sekarang dan ketika ini bilamana mata tak dapat terpejam dan ngantuk tak kunjung tiba selepas tamatnya majlis persandingan kawan rapat aku yang da 9 tahun kenal.
Macam2 rasa ada dalam hati.
Tak tertulis kat sini kerana aku sekarang rasa terlalu jijik pada diri sendiri.
Bersalah pada diri dan tuhan tak pernah menghukum manusia lain atas kesalahan diri sendiri.
Jijik..geli..berdosa..Haru Biru jadinya.
Tak ada yang lebih baik jika aku dapat ulang masa.
Kalau boleh, dengan apa yang dah aku buat selama nak masuk 25 tahun hidup atas muka bumi ni, rasa2nya nak balik semula ke masa yang mana aku baru keluar dari perut mak aku.
4 November 1985.
Dimana masa tu, aku takde apa2 dosa pun.
Tapi, mana mungkin kan?
Tu semua cakap2 kosong yang mana tak tercapai dek pemikiran.
Semua rasa bercampur baur..
Haih..
Bukan saje berdosa pada tuhan (yang dah tentu2 ada)
Malah- aku rasa berdosa pada sesetengah manusia yang dah banyak berbakti pada diri aku.
Cakaplah aku tak kenang budi..Cakaplah aku perempuan jahat..
Cakaplah aku tak sedar diri..
Cakaplah macam2 benda yang aku sendiri akan rasa hina dengan diri sendiri bila dengar ....
Heh kan?
Ikut nafsu lesu..Ikut hati, mati.
Ini lah dia rasa yang macam2 tu dalam hati.
Berkait rapat antara satu sama lain.
Aku dah mintak ampun..aku dah mintak maaf..
Dan kata manusia itu, dia dah maafkan aku.. Itu kata dekat mulut..kata dekat hati? Tuhan je yang tahu.
Tapi, harap2 dia maafkan aku seikhlas hatinya sebagaimana ikhlasnya dia jaga aku,bela aku, cinta aku,kasihkan aku selama 5 tahun aku dalam hidup dia.
Aku memang tak sedar diri kan?
Hehh nyaaaa!
Manusia buat silap..aku pun manusia..
Tapi, silap kali ni antara yang terbesar dalam hidup aku.
Terimalah rasa yang macam2 ni dalam hati.
Tapi, sokongan yang aku dapat dari macam2 pihak membuatkan aku mampu lagi tersengih2 dan ketawa besar kadang2..
Aku dah hilang "comfort zone" aku yang mana kehilangan itu adalah disebabkan kesilapan aku sendiri.
Duduk2 lepas subuh tadi, hati berdebar..bulu roma naik...
Haihh..tak pernah rasa camni..
Keputusan dah dibuat. Bukan dari aku tapi dari dia.
Keputusan dah dicapai disebabkan insiden yang aku sendiri tak tahu macammana aku boleh hilang akal dan jadi seberani bodoh begitu.
Akal dah tak boleh berfungsi pada masa tu rasanya.
Nak buang jauh2 imiginasi yang telah diulang tayang dalam fikiran.
Heh betul!
Aku rasa aku perlu bukak buku baru tahun depan.
Buku baru..Hidup baru..Gaya hidup baru...oh, dan sedang terfikir nak jadi NOOR ALIA yang baru.
Kena diri atas kaki sendiri. Semua kena buat sendiri..Belajar idup susah kembali.
Aku mintak doa dengan tuhan supaya tunjukkan aku jalan yang betul dan bagi petunjuk yang mana keputusan aku dah buat tu adalah tepat.
Sebab aku tak pernah buat camni dan mengalami situasi begini.
Rasa menyesal jangan cakaplah kan?!
Mari doa ramai2 supaya 2010 ni jadi lagi baik dari sebelumnya.
Hah.. dah 7 pagi mata masih tak mahu pejam2 lagi..
Macammana niiii????
Oh..nanti sambung lagi!
Selamat pagi!
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