Imagine this.
You were never imagine yourself being married. Far away from having children. In fact, you were diagnosed in having "some-kind-of- problem" with your fertility and you are personally dislikes children.
You are living your dream as a single-career-minded girl who loves her 1 piece suits, a great handbag and shiny stilettoes. Having a good salary and a career in a corporate world is something that you are really proud off. You are proud and nothing can overcome the pride.
But God works in a very miraculous way. A guy enters your life. Even it's not the first time a guy stick around you for quite sometimes, but that time is really different. The guy is the one for you. The one.
To cut it short. You fell in love, really hard. You fell hard into this "I-love-you-till-it-hurts"- kind of love. You finally married to him and became an instant mom to 3 of his kids. Still, you don't really fancy kids. The demon inside you keep telling that kids are just pretty annoying.
Again God is always a great planner. He supersede the doctor's report that you obtained few years back about your fertility. Wonders of the world. Surprise! You are pregnant!
You don't like it. In fact, you hate being pregnant but you keep on going with someone inside you for the next 9 months of your life. You don't feel maternal at all. You feel heavy and you feel just like a transporter or carrier of a child into the world. You are numb.
The time has arrive. This is it. After 36 hours of labor- a child was born. A perfect 3.1kg boy has arrived. You feel relief but clueless. Still, not maternal. You went thru a 44-days of confinement period with your husband by your side. You encountered a low level of postpartum depression. You feel nothing, even you have never failed to feed your baby boy with your own milk. Not maternal, but believe that breastmilk is the always the best food for the baby. Your future seems blur.
Time flies so fast- you are back in the office after your confinement period ended. Nervous AF, you start your routine as planned. Arranging your life with a baby is relatively new to you. You're naïve. You don't know shit. You just keep on going.
Despite of not feeling maternal, you are trying your very best to deliver your responsibility as a mother and not forgetting as a partner to your husband. Having a kid is a real tough job. You wake up every 2 hours to feed your baby. You drive to work. You complete your task ar the office. Breastpump is now your friend. You ensure that the milk are sufficient for the baby. You don't know what you're doing. You're tired and confuse. But, you just do.
The best is yet to come. Breastfeeding is something that you never think of doing. But, you are keep fighting for it. With the list of work that never ends at the office, you never failed to go for your pumping session. Responsibility is a huge word for you. You feel down. You feel up. You feel nothing when you look at your baby. You never thought that you will be a mother.
A mother who are not maternal. Yes. That is you. You are always on the go. You feel guilt most of the time. You want to win it all. But deep inside, you know that YOU WILL NEVER WIN IT ALL!
Your emotion is always on a rollercoaster ride. One time, you hate your partner- you hate the kids when they are visiting every weekend. But at times, you miss their company. You feel grateful to have a very patience and understanding partner. And most of the time, you feel like you are losing control. Still not maternal. Sigh.
Fast forward to the 5th month of being the un-maternal mom, your baby was admitted to the hospital. You faced one of the biggest trial as a parents. You don't know what to do. Your mixed feelings has created a chaos in your life. You are clueless. You are afraid of losing the baby, looking into his eyes, you are frightened but you can feel a sense of belonging to him. You pray, you learn how to be patience, you learn how to be grateful. Thank God you have friends and husband who always be by your side despite your craziness. 5 days in the hospital and the baby is getting well. You praise the Lord. You thank Him for his blessing and lesson of being a mother.
Finally, you can feel the love to your baby has grown. You are in your battle. The guilt battle. The battle of being a mom and an employee. You feel like being at home all times with your baby. But you don't want to lose your life in the working arena. You stranded. You hate the FOMO.
Yet, you are still here. A woman who forgot what deep sleep means now. A woman who shared her bed with a man and a boy every night. A woman who always have a fight with herself when comes to snoozing the alarm clock. A woman who works full time in the office and sometimes required travelling across the Asia Pacific countries while pumping milk in order to maintain the supply. A woman who make a chicken-carrot-spinach-porridge or fish and carrot porridge in a large quantities and keep it in her deep freezer for her baby to eat during her weekend. A woman who never thought of stop breastfeed her baby. A woman who is also an instant mom since two years ago and now in her journey to become a great mom in her own definition.
That is you now.
Nevertheless, you are thankful for every minutes of your life. You feel that this is the best moment you ever had as a humble servant of God. You moving ahead and never look back. You consider all missing parts and pieces are lessons in life.
You are grateful for the work opportunity that you have. You are thankful for an understanding boss, interesting and helpful colleagues. You are blessed to have a partner that always going to pick up your nonsense and mess all these while. You are really glad to have families and friends who will be there when needed.
Not forgetting, you appreciate you baby boy that you've carried in your life since the pregnancy test marked with two lines.
The art of working moms. It's by choice and you are a fighter to find balance every day.
You are the art creator. You are creating your artsy journey. Everyday is a new ride.
God is Great.
Sometimes you are OK. Sometimes you are NOT. But, you are FINE. You love and You are be loved.
You are good. You are well.
You are you and You are NOT DONE.
💃🏼
