Dinn-er Al-one

After solat last night, I felt so alone..Haiiih..
I can't stay up all night and do nothing until the sleeping time comes.

So, I've decided to fill up my time alone.

I haven't done this for quite sometime..
While crusing on the road, at the same time- I had a telephone conversation with Mom.
She was very supportive and yet told me that I can live like this. I mean- Single!
Without I realized, I was driving towards Bangsar. Wth???

So, I parked my car and planned to have dinner at CB. Oh, I missed the hot choc..seriously.
After refilling my nicotine box at KK, I walked to CB.

Someone tapped my shoulders and gave a big smile- I can't remember the face...She smiled again and said,

"I can't remember your name. But I do recognize your face! You are from MK ,rite? and you are alone?"

Oh..there it goes.. I forgot the fact that I have to face this kind of scenario starting from now on.
After a few minutes of conversation and told her that I am no longer with Ollie, (she showed her sympathy by saying- SORRY!- heh!for what? It was my fault btw), I continue my journey to CB.

Her question was stucked on my mind. Is that obvious? See? How close am I to him and I am practically prepare to face that kind of question from our common friends.. Hemmm...Ready? Heh!

After paying for my light dinner, I sat at the corner of the cafe. While reading, eating and later-smoking...I realized that the people keep on looking at me weirdly.
Just because I am a women and alone..It makes me feel so uncomfortable..

Now I remember how I looked at women while they eat alone, shop alone or even walk alone in the shopping mall..

This Hehhhh feeling - not so good! Seriously uncomfortable....
Hemm...

But who cares..I was enjoying my dinner alone even some people keep looking at me as if im some sort of an alien.

I am just alone...and I am the one who choose to be like this..
Ok lah kan? and the best thing- I am the one who paying for my hot chocolate and my tasty chicken pie.. not them..
So, I just let them looking at me while I am enjoying my dinner alone.

Is not that bad pun kan?
=)

New year

2010


The best yet to come.
Pray hard everyone!


Whats for new year?
Me?
No plan at the moment.


I just need to take some rest for a while.
Boring? Yup..sometimes..

Missing someone?
Yup! Sometimes..

Enjoying my life?
Yes! Sometimes...

Whatelse?
I am in the office and do nothing.
Funny eh!

So...whats your plan for the new year celebration?
I hate the club scenes, bad traffic, crazy drunk guy, small space and so many people at one time, too many sexy girls and sexy bloke at one time, uninvited guests to a party, girls who dressed blindly, LOUD music , rempits , bohjan bohsia and ladabohs..ok..whatever!

I just want to be at a peaceful place...=)
and I am single..

Rasa

Mungkin kali ini agak emo sikit cara aku tulis.
2009
Macam2 da jadi.
Lahir lah blog ni nak menceritakan pasal hidup aku yang takde specialnya ni...
Blog yang ditemui oleh manusia yang aku mahu dialah mahkluk terakhir yang tahu aku ada blog..
Haru biru hidup aku
Suka gembira perjalanan seharian..
Tapi yang pasti,
penghujung 2009 telah banyak membuatkan aku berfikir dan mengenang segala salah dan silap serta dosa-dosa besar yang dah aku buat selama ni...

Kejam kah aku?
Ya..
Jahat kah aku?
Ya..
Hina kah aku?
Ya..
Lemah kah aku?
Ya..

Semua diatas adalah perkara-perkara yang aku rasakan sekarang dan ketika ini bilamana mata tak dapat terpejam dan ngantuk tak kunjung tiba selepas tamatnya majlis persandingan kawan rapat aku yang da 9 tahun kenal.

Macam2 rasa ada dalam hati.
Tak tertulis kat sini kerana aku sekarang rasa terlalu jijik pada diri sendiri.
Bersalah pada diri dan tuhan tak pernah menghukum manusia lain atas kesalahan diri sendiri.
Jijik..geli..berdosa..Haru Biru jadinya.

Tak ada yang lebih baik jika aku dapat ulang masa.
Kalau boleh, dengan apa yang dah aku buat selama nak masuk 25 tahun hidup atas muka bumi ni, rasa2nya nak balik semula ke masa yang mana aku baru keluar dari perut mak aku.
4 November 1985.
Dimana masa tu, aku takde apa2 dosa pun.
Tapi, mana mungkin kan?
Tu semua cakap2 kosong yang mana tak tercapai dek pemikiran.

Semua rasa bercampur baur..
Haih..
Bukan saje berdosa pada tuhan (yang dah tentu2 ada)
Malah- aku rasa berdosa pada sesetengah manusia yang dah banyak berbakti pada diri aku.
Cakaplah aku tak kenang budi..Cakaplah aku perempuan jahat..
Cakaplah aku tak sedar diri..
Cakaplah macam2 benda yang aku sendiri akan rasa hina dengan diri sendiri bila dengar ....

Heh kan?

Ikut nafsu lesu..Ikut hati, mati.
Ini lah dia rasa yang macam2 tu dalam hati.
Berkait rapat antara satu sama lain.

Aku dah mintak ampun..aku dah mintak maaf..
Dan kata manusia itu, dia dah maafkan aku.. Itu kata dekat mulut..kata dekat hati? Tuhan je yang tahu.
Tapi, harap2 dia maafkan aku seikhlas hatinya sebagaimana ikhlasnya dia jaga aku,bela aku, cinta aku,kasihkan aku selama 5 tahun aku dalam hidup dia.

Aku memang tak sedar diri kan?
Hehh nyaaaa!

Manusia buat silap..aku pun manusia..
Tapi, silap kali ni antara yang terbesar dalam hidup aku.
Terimalah rasa yang macam2 ni dalam hati.

Tapi, sokongan yang aku dapat dari macam2 pihak membuatkan aku mampu lagi tersengih2 dan ketawa besar kadang2..
Aku dah hilang "comfort zone" aku yang mana kehilangan itu adalah disebabkan kesilapan aku sendiri.

Duduk2 lepas subuh tadi, hati berdebar..bulu roma naik...
Haihh..tak pernah rasa camni..

Keputusan dah dibuat. Bukan dari aku tapi dari dia.
Keputusan dah dicapai disebabkan insiden yang aku sendiri tak tahu macammana aku boleh hilang akal dan jadi seberani bodoh begitu.
Akal dah tak boleh berfungsi pada masa tu rasanya.
Nak buang jauh2 imiginasi yang telah diulang tayang dalam fikiran.
Heh betul!
Aku rasa aku perlu bukak buku baru tahun depan.
Buku baru..Hidup baru..Gaya hidup baru...oh, dan sedang terfikir nak jadi NOOR ALIA yang baru.
Kena diri atas kaki sendiri. Semua kena buat sendiri..Belajar idup susah kembali.

Aku mintak doa dengan tuhan supaya tunjukkan aku jalan yang betul dan bagi petunjuk yang mana keputusan aku dah buat tu adalah tepat.
Sebab aku tak pernah buat camni dan mengalami situasi begini.
Rasa menyesal jangan cakaplah kan?!

Mari doa ramai2 supaya 2010 ni jadi lagi baik dari sebelumnya.
Hah.. dah 7 pagi mata masih tak mahu pejam2 lagi..
Macammana niiii????

Oh..nanti sambung lagi!
Selamat pagi!

Oh Kayyyyyyyyy!!!!!

Its like a disease.
Seriousfcukins*it!
Why you guys makes me feel old and feel left out?
Hoi..Hoi..Hoi..
Tunggu lah!
Hehhh nyaaa!

Everyone is doing so called the same thing. When I am logging into my fb acc;

Bertunang
Nikah
Bersanding
Bersuami
Pregnant
Beranak

Wooooo..woo..woo...
Jangan la semua buat benda yang sama..I feel left out. seriously.
Even I do not have "that" in mind at this time.
But I need some of you to wait for me too! =)
Dont make me feel old and some sort being left by the bus!
Or Is about time for the next level already ka?
Hehehe..
Jealousy? Pressure? - I think so...
But,I need my singlehood time lagi...(which just started again)

Hurm..I am becoming the bridesmaid again this weekend.
Take a look at the pix below.
Nice huh?

Searching

Here I am. On my bed and trying to let it out whatever that I have in my mind.

2010 is coming.
My age is turning 25.
It makes me think..

In 25 years time-
Is there any achievements?
Yes

Is there any happy moments?
Yes

Is there any bad day?
Yes

What do I feel now?
Empty.

I am opening my new book of life. New journey which I only bring nobody but myself.
Besides family and friends who are always being a good supporter...
I need to re-arrange what I have and what I want to achieve for the next 365 days.
I feel that its a bit late..turning 25- baru nak re-arrange hidup?
Pathetic kan?

I am throwing what I had...The good..the bad and the yike-ish away.
I don't know why Im doing that.
I just need to start fresh. I need to step and stand on my own two feet.
Berdiri atas kaki sendiri.
Tetapi, Mampu kah?

Hurm...and I am searching for a better life even sometimes I can feel that I am dying inside.
Phew...
Is this what I really want?

At this moment..
I am saying- YES!

Me- which I am no longer being Me.

Well,for the past 3 months, I never thought all the things that happened- could be happened.
I am not being myself anymore which it will lead back to a no-answers discussion.
Pening kot?!
Well, I wouldnt want to write longer. I just want to upload some pics for those who missing me and for those who wants to see how I look like.
Promo? Nahh...
I just want to share some of the pics that are my favorites in Dec09.
Enjoy it guys! =)

Oh.. The above pic is the most fav one.- Classic!

=)

Back.

The event is over. Sucessfully.- Ehem..take a look at the news coverage. :)
My hectic life is so called over.
My relationship is nowhere.
Me?
still here.

Its been a while since I wrote the my last sentence here.
Plus minus a month.

To many things happened.
Too many scenarios to tell.
Too many incidents and too much drama which cant be compiled if I were asked to do it.

Mind is not stable.
It doesnt mean that I am mentally unstable.
Its just that- I have to reconstruct and let go also let in some of the things in life.

Heh...too much membebel.
I am looking forward to my happy mood which I do know when it will arrives.
Pray for myself.Pray for everybody.
Oh..
I miss my happy moments!

Its great to be back, guys!

:)