Challenges

You are being challenged.

What will you do?

How far will you think?

How relevant your mind to settle it?

Challenge is not really a problem.

It could be a problem once you think it is.

Life is so full of challenges.

Not only in your mind,

it is also relates to your surroundings,your people,your family, your financial status, your heart, your maturity, your integrity, your body and soul and etc etc etc.

My mind has been molested by negative thoughts these few days.

Really.

I have to be positive (fcuk lah be positive konon!) in dealing with certain things in life (not "certain"..its basically..ALL)

Dealing with it its not easy.

Yalah Yalah Yalah..

Penat la!

I am running to a destination called "nowhere"

Just because I am tired with the challenges that coming into my way everytime I feel relief.

Want to join me?:)

The expectations.

I always wonder on the expectation towards me.

What people are expecting me to do, to say, to react and to believe?

In this scenario..

If you wondering what I am expecting from myself in zero.

Honestly, after all the tragedy, the sadness, the downside of myself has growth.

I do not expect anything huge for me to do for myself anymore.

2010 has taught me a lot in the matters of living with no expectations.

Low self esteem? That I always be.

I'll never expect something good to happen these days.

I used to be a person who always believe in whatever that I do.

Regardless how hard the obstacles that I will personally go through.

I always stand on my motion.

I am stubborn in a good way and the bad way.

Well, seems like nothing much to expect and people are still expect me to do more that I could even believe, so it will be a "no" answer for that.

I don't expect anything from myself and for myself.

So, guys..please do not expect anything good from me to you.

I have no proper plans in my hand at this very moment and I will never have plans in the future.- I guess.

2010 has almost reach the end but still- I do not expect anything anymore.

So, please expect the unexpected because if you don't you'll be end u

p like me- A person who has no expectations at all.

Its not good- actually.

Hahaha

Have a great Monday nite , people! =)

Expect the unexpected. Be prepare for something worst than the good ones to come!

Paksa

Aku tak suka kena paksa.

Sesiapa pun tak suka kena paksa.

Tapi ramai orang suka memaksa.

Yang dipaksa dan terpaksa tu lah aku sekarang ni.

Benci lah!

Jangan paksa-paksa boleh?

I am stuck.

Fcuked!

Benci benci benci!

Nak Lari Nak Lari Nak Lari

Nak lari

Nak lari

Nak lari

Nak lari jauh-jauh.

Nak lari

Nak lari

Nak lari

Nak lari

Nak lari laju-laju

Tapi tak boleh.

Sebab kaki aku dah terikat.

Terima kasih.

Macam-macam hal

Dah la O.K.U

Tak ada rumah.

Tak de kereta

Takde daya

Tumpang rumah sedara

Badan kena rashes. Teruk

Kerja banyak

Balik lambat kena sound.

Apa fcuk aku hidup macam ni?

Macam-macam hal lah.

Itu pasal aku tak suka mintak tolong sesetengah orang.

Orang bercakap.

Orang tak faham.

Apa lah nasib badan..

Adoi.

=((

Provokasi

"Kalau tak ada angin, ataupun tak ada yang goyangkan..pokok memang tak bergoncang"

Nak cakap

"Jangan Provoke" -konon?

Hek eleh!

Kalau lah orang tahu..mesti kau malu.

EH EH EH... geli laaahh!!

Hidup tak payah nak kena provoke.

Macam kau best sangat.

Tak ada siapa pun yang best dalam dunia ini.

Nama pun manusia..semua sama.

Sama rata. Sama rasa. Walaupun tinggi tak sama. Tapi tuhan maha adil.

Aku pun tak payah kena provoke jugak.

Sebab aku tak excited apa2 pun lagi

Hidup da stuck.

Tak dapat plan untuk diri sendiri lagi.

Semua orang plan kan.

Lantak la.

Hidup ini indah.

Tapi hidup aku tak indah macam dulu.

Bila kebebasan dah tak ada.

Macam dipenjara hati tu.

Pretending to be happy

Until I couldn't take it anymore.

Wish me luck even there will be no luck at all.

Patah hati tau.

Korang mana tahu!

Kita

Kadang-kadang kita fikir kita ajee yang selalu jadi mangsa keadaan.

Kadang-kadang, kita fikir kita ajee yang selalu dikecewakan

Kadang-kadang, kita fikir kita ajee yang selalu terkena.

Tapi secara kita tak sedari, pernah tak kita fikir yang kadang-kadang...

Kita juga jadikan orang mangsa keadaan?

Kita juga selalu kecewakan orang?

Kita juga selalu mengenakan orang?

Hari ini aku dah terfikir yang bukan aku aje yang selalu jadi mangsa, kecewa dan terkena.

Malah, aku juga jadi pemangsa, mengecewakan orang dan mengenakan orang.

Nobody is perfect

So do I.

I am sorry if I hurt you and you feel hurt without me realizing it. =(

After 40 days of MC

This is how I look after when through the fabulous forty days of MC. =)

Gain weight and a non- official O.K.U

Picture taken this morning by Sabrina, Monday- 22nd November 2010 at 9.30 am

I am welcoming back myself to the office!

Welcome back to the life!

=)

Sad to leave, but I just have to.

I'll be leaving Johor Bahru tomorrow.

Sad

but

I'm going to meet Kuala Lumpur tomorrow

Happy

Sad and Happy.

I'll be missing JB so very much.

Seriously.

I'll be back to the hectic life which I also miss it a lot!

Seriously.

Too many things to do.

To many things to adjust.

With negative thoughts that always be in my mind, I have to deal with it- by myself.

God, family and some great friends will always be around to help.

That is for sure.

The mixed emotions is already here in my heart.

I hate this!

Life must go on.

God is testing those who are able to take it.

One of them is me.

I always know that.

Good night people.

Good night Johor Bahru that I always love - a lot! =)

Stalker

Besides facebook

Blog is the best medium for stalking.

True.

Have you ever done that?

No???

That's a lie.

Everybody does it. =)

People always wanted to know about other people everyday.

Facebook is the ultimate medium for stalkers including other social-networking sites.

Therefore, reading other people's blog is another way of doing it.

But have you ever thought that you (which you always think that -"I am Ms or Mrs Nobody) are also being stalked by some strangers?

Haaaaa...

Please bear in mind.

You might think that you are ordinary and not an interesting person to be stalked.

But somehow, somewhere..there are some people who always watching you.. (besides God, obviously)

I am laughing and I think its funny when I get to know that "some people" are stalking me by reading my online journal due to some pathetic reason.

Dear stalker(s),

Please be informed that,I am definitely "nothing" to be compared to you, I am the "O.K.U (s)", I am in my deepest-shit level of life currently and I am seriously have nothing to share with you.

So?

What are you still doing here?

Get a life!

Please.

=)

Korban

Lea Anif ‎: Masa tengah sayang, semua nak dikorbankan. Bila da tak sayang, tengoklah siapa yang terkorban. Itu yang dinamakan "Standard Relationship Procedure". Selamat Hari Raya Korban, kawan-kawan!

6 minutes ago · · Comment · View feedback (2)

Selamat Hari Raya Korban, kawan-kawan.

=)

Aku rindu kamu

Aku rindu kamu.

Keretaku...:((

dan beberapa orang tertentu.

Selamat malam.

Fcuking Sad

I am so fcuking sad

I am so fcuking sad

I am so fcuking sad

I am so fcuking sad

I am so fcuking sad

I am so fcuking sad

By viewing old facebook photo albums, it reminds me of the good old days/life that destroyed.

I couldn't accept any mistakes from my bad decision anymore.

Please put the blame on me.

Because all the bad things happened, are based on my bad judgement.

Yet, I still feel the same.

I am so fcuking sad.

and its getting worse.

Sunday, please light up my life.

Since I couldn't deal with this fcuking emotion anymore.

Thank you.

Hujan

Hujan selalu buat hati sedih

Mendung selalu buat rasa nak menangis

Hujan.

sedih.

Aku benci rasa sedih

Aku benci rasa sayu

Aku benci rasa nak menangis.

Aku benci nak meraung.

Aku nak buang rasa itu semua jauh-jauh.

Benci

Hujan lebat di petang Sabtu.

Johor Bahru dilimpahi rahmatNya

Sejuk tapi masih lagi sedih.

Lawan gambar.

Aku rasa..sekarang dekat mana-mana laman web sosial, adalah musim lawan gambar kahwin, gambar anak, gambar kereta yang laki bagi, gambar keluarga mertua, gambar mainan anak, gambar hadiah yang laki bagi, gambar family sapa lagi bahagia, gambar pre-wedding, gambar honeymoon dan segala gambar berkaitan kekeluargaan.

Kan? Cuba tengok betul-betul.

Berlumba-lumba nak tunjuk yang mereka bahagia.

Habis..yang tak ada keluarga sendiri, solo molo ni..nak tunjuk lawan gambar apa untuk tunjuk bahagia?

Oh..gambar office yang best, holiday, kawan-kawan, makanan, mak bapak, adik beradik, gambar kena parang, gambar kereta beli sendiri dan masih lagi hutang kat bank, gambar dekat hospital, gambar birthday, gambar anak buah, gambar masa kerja, gambar masa meeting, gambar masa nak tidur dan lain-lain gambar.

Kan?

=)

Itulah hakikatnya.

Lain status hidup, Lain taraf sosial, Lain cara lawan gambar.

Symptom

Have you ever feel "annoying" to yourself, to your life, to the current situation, to the time, to the things happened, to the food, to the social networking sites, to the internet, to the clothes that you wear, to the medicine and to the everything that annoys you?

Yup. I do.

I am dealing with it now.

Have you ever feel unwanted, useless, stress,unusual, loser,nonsense and all sort of negative thinking that makes you want to puke?

Yes, I do.

I am dealing with it at the moment.

Have you ever feel that GOD IS GREAT and trying to feel that EVERYTHING HAPPENED FOR A REASON?

Of course

I do.

and I am dealing with it everyday.

I am practically dealing with a symptom called "depression"

and I am still smiling.

Ya Allah, a lil' help here! Please... =((

Jiwa Kacau

=Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Fikir kerja.Fikir hal ofis.Fikir duit.Jiwa Kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Fikir hidup.Fikir duit. Fikir hatiFikir ofismate.Fikir bos.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Fikir hutang.Fikir cinta.Fikir hidup.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa Kacau.Jiwa kacau.Fikir kawan-kawan.Fikir rumah.Fikir dunia.Fikir trauma.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Fikir masa.Fikir derita.Fikir family.Fikir sakit.Fikir itu.Fikir ini.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa Kacau.Jiwa Kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau.Jiwa kacau =

Jiwa kacau

11.11.11

Kau dapat berapa A?

Hari ni dalam facebook sibuk orang cerita pasal result UPSR.

Yang mana anak-anak diorang dapat 5A semua sibuk post kat status diorang.

Alhamdulillah.

Yang mana anak-anak diorang tak dapat 5A, tulis jugak kat status..tapi takla tulis berapa A anak diorang dapat.

Alhamdulillah jugak.

Dulu, masa sekolah..selalu aku dengar orang tanya soalan camni

"Kau dapat berapa A?"

Tak kiralah..UPSR ke..PMR ke SPM ke..semua pun kuar soalan yang sama.

Dengan bangganya cakap lah berapa deret A yang aku penah dapat.

Ok. Bangga. Riak. Eksyen. Berlagak. Apa lagi? Oh.."Kekwat" (betul ke penggunaan perkataan ni kat sini?_

Dulu, 1997- 1st time UPSR jadi 5 subjek.

Jadi..bila dapat banyak A- bergema satu sekolah!

Lagi-lagi kalau dapat 5A- mak ai..siap mak bapak boleh cium2 dan buat kenduri kesyukuran.:)

Itu dulu.

Sekarang, berlambak-lambak budak dapat 5A. Sampai sekolah asrama tak cukup nak masukkan budak-budak 5A ni. Sampai budak-budak 5A nak masuk sekolah premium pun dah susah. Ramai sangat yang cemerlang,gemilang,terbilang dan belang-belang. Heh.

UPSR sekadar permulaan.

PMR tu pertengahan perjalanan pembelajaran.

SPM itu penghubung kecemerlangan dalam akademik.

Tak semestinya UPSR baik..PMR excellent..SPM gemilang..masa depan seseorang itu cerah!

=)

Sebab?Seiringan dengan umur, situasi , pergaulan, pemikiran..kecemerlangan akademik itu hanya penghubung kepada kehidupan yang bahagia.

Ia adalah sekeping kertas yang mampu membantu manusia mendapatkan kehidupan yang lebih baik JIKA digunakan secara betul dan berhati-hati.

Ingat orang ada degree semua berjaya ke dalam hidup?

Tak semestinya.

Ada degree tak semestinya kaya

Ada degree tak semestinya bahagia

Cuba lihat diluar sana.

Berapa ramai manusia yang ada "paper" , tapi kerja ntah apa-apa?

Ramai kan?

Tak pasti lagi kalau bagus belajar, baguslah hidup akan datang.

Bukan lah bermakna aku cakap "tak payah belajar".."berenti sekolah".."pergi mintak sedekah"..

Tak!

Cuma janganlah confident sangat bila result tu gempak.:)

Sebab nasib kita tak terletak pada result yang cemerlang semata-mata.

Kita yang decide. Kita yang kalerkan.Kita yang hendak.:)

Nak tau result aku berapa masa UPSR dulu?

Result yang aku bangga2kan macam nak rak pada 1997?

Sila lihat gambar dibawah.

Cuba teka..nama aku yang mana?

Hahahaha..

*Stress sebenarnya sebab sakit tak baik lagi dan terapi tangan hanya dekat komputer*:(

Bittersweet

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

That's just the way the story goes..

No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go

Tahun Sedih Bagiku

Jangan dengar lirik dia.

Baca title lagu je.

2010- Tahun sedih bagiku

Ya ammpun.. kepam gile dah ni.

Masuk air daaahhhhhhhhhh =((

Hahaha.

Cek Mek Molek

Lagu Khas buat anak encik Yusof.

Silakan berjoget ye!

Lagu pilihan kau hari ni.

Tangan aku da sakit ni..=))

Aku stress!! Huwarrgghhh!!!

Kekwat dan Sentap.

Kekwat:

Setahu aku azwan ali je yang selalu guna perkataan tu.

Kat skola aku takde belajar perkataan "kekwat"

Wat kek ="Buat kek"

aku faham la..

Sentap:

Oh..rupa-rupanya bloggers banyak pakai perkataan "sentap" sebagai "marah"/"merajuk"

Tu pun ayat-ayat Azwan Ali dalam tv yang selalu aku dengar.

Ok. Kepada manusia-manusia yang suka menggunakan dua perkataan diatas dalam coretan hidup diorang di alam maya mahupun yang menggunakan sebagai perkataan dalam percakapan seharian.. Maafkan aku sebab tak dapat terima perkataan seperti diatas.:(

Sorry eh.

Kalau nak "sentap" pasal aku tulis yang aku tak berkenan dengan perkataan "kekwat" dan "sentap" ni.. "sentap" lah.

Memang sorry.

Aku geli!

*Just my 4 cents*

=)

Stranded

Officially,

Lea Anif will be stranded in JB till xx November 2010

I know.

It doesn't sounds good to myself and to some people who wants me to be back in KL as soonest (is there any? haha.. oh..my boss, perhaps :P).

However, my condition is not yet stable (hands are stiff and neck is painful every-time I walk and sleep) and I still have to deal with sleepless nights (Xanax or xanax!).

What to do?

Oh, I've gained few pounds and by taking it into a positive side- I consider myself as healthy.(ya rite!)

So?

Its not that hard to lost few more kilos when I'm back to work.

Simple.

Well, as I always mentioned- I always miss my hometown

But my work..my life (as if I have one!?), my friends (so many of them!) is always be in the heart of Kuala Lumpur.

Its not easy to rest yourself (physically,spiritually and mentally) in your parents house where your mind is working and thinking what will be happen next? and /or what is happening there? or/maybe how is everything?

My car(which I'm not sure whether I could drive it again or not) is still in the service centre of PERODUA.

My house (which I always said- I have an emotional bonding with it) is still there- of course! I have given a month( or worst case scenario- 2 months) notice/s to the owner before I let it go..Yes guys.. after all things happened...finally- I am moving out. (My heart is broken cause I love the house..still!)

My work(which has been taking care by beautiful and thoughtful and also intelligent colleagues for a while) will still be there. Oh, I missed my cubicle. I miss my counter top and my old pc. =((

My friends (who some of them are still considering me as their friends) also will always be there.

Next? (My favourite question)

I have no idea.

Need to strengthen my emotion and bring back my trust to myself..I guess!

4.06 am- 9 November 2010, I am still up and stranded in JB now! Heh..

Good morning, people!

OKU(sementara) Oldskool current fav

Call me oldskool.

Go and laugh about it.

But, this is my current fav since becoming the OKU(s)

=)

Do listen to it

Enjoy it guys!

Tiap Hari Melintas Di Sini
Kuharapkan Dapat Memandang Mu
Sayangnya Engkau Persis Tak Peduli
Akulah Seorang Merindu

Jeling Jeling Kau Tidak Berpaling
Senyum Diberi Tiada Balasan
Sikapmu Sayang Membuatku Rungsing
ku Turut Hati Merana Badan

Berakit Berakitlah Ke Hulu
Berenang Renang ku Ketepian
Bersakit Biarku Sakit Dahulu
Bersenang Denganmu Kemudian

Kelip Kelip ku Sangkakan Api
Sinar Mentari Membawa Cahaya
Kau Hilang Ghaib Sangkaku Kau Benci
Kiranya Sengaja Nak Menduga

Trust

What will happen when you can't trust anyone at the moment?

What will happen when you realize that you are dealing with "TRUST ISSUE" now?

What will happen?

I am sick.

Inside and out.

Stop the time now, please..

and turn it back to November 4, 1985

(I know it'll never happen)

Good.

Life is so fcukin fun!=)

Twenty Five on November Four

I'm officially 25 today.

What do I wish for?

Blackberry

New handbag

New car

New baju

New Kasut

More Money

Bla bla bla bla bla

Ok.

Seriously??

What do I wish for this year's bday?

Happiness which including the peace, the wealth and the health =)

Thats all.

Thanks guys for the wishes. (on fb and via mobile)

Love,

Lea

2 November

Two days before reaching "suku abad"

Here are the scars which could be permanent on my skin.

Nice?

=)

1st birthday gift in 2010

Thank you Anie Kamarudin.

=)

Congratulations on your success in becoming the Wee wee!!!

Love Love