Thursday, January 28, 2010

150th.

This is my 150th entry. (in a smaller words)=p

I woke up quite early this morning. Slept around 12 and woke up around 6 something.
Oh..Im moving out on the 6th.
Decided last night due to the few circumstances which may lead to unnecessary difficulties later on.

I apologized to kawan2 skolah rendah. The 3 ladies for not be able to make it on the 6th for our horay2 activities. Lama betul tak jejak Sunway Lagoon.
Ampun!...
We still have the 7th kan? Heheh...
I am missing you guys.

I am missing someone and at the same time, I feel Odd to what I went through everyday.
I don't really know where it will be heading to.
Still- myself not going anywhere. Not much different that before..
I should stay calm.
Relax and execute whatever plans I have at the moment.

All that can be managed , IF I could...
*Stop my feelings from feeling that way
*Start focusing 100% on what I am going to do
*Stop all the hopes
*Stop all the desire
and
*Stop missing that particular person everyday.

See? Its all about feelings
Macam bodoh
Why should we as a human can't control all this?
We should be strong-Me in particular.
In order to stop all that, myself need to learn the hard way.

I am getting sick on this war.
Its not easy to face all this nonsense.
I am not that strong-yet I am not that stupid by not to think about it.

Emotions and mind.
Related to each other.
Strong bonding.
How to divide it?

In my 150th entry- I am still writing about feelings.
Too many "Lara" than "Suka"
and yet it is still about Lea. =)

I am waiting for sun to shine on me...
Please!
Emo sangat kot ? ;P

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Phone calls

I received few phone calls from people who I havent heard in quite sometimes.
*Exhales*

Unexpected calls from some people who I missed sometimes.

Thanks for calling.
Really appriciate it.
Me hold no grudge anymore.
=)

*I missed the cupcakes also*

Friday, January 22, 2010

Another last day..

Few months back- I wrote the similiar subject.
After all the hardwork and hectic days,
There it goes- my another last day.

Few months here-
I really learn a lot.
With the hectic job- I finally made it.
Went tru the obstacles which I guess it is worth of a lifetime. =)

I am much confident afterall..
With the small and little experience, I believe that I would achieve more in the future.

Friends -come and go
Officemate- here and there
Bosses- now or never
Experience- money can't buy.

I am glad
Two weeks notice has been served.
Yup!
Leaving all the good and bad memomries with the LIMA '09 organiser
Sad? A little.
I am just going to miss the good moments here.

Life goes on.
So does the money!
Hahaha..

I need more exposure and more money plus more people who appriciate me in my career.
Job hopper? You could call me that.
I couldn't careless because I know how far can I go and I seriously understand what I am capable to do to achieve something better in my life.

Thanks to everybody.
Thanks to the bosses.
Thanks to my collegues
Thanks to sang bekas kekasih
Thanks to friends wherever you are
and
Thanks to my family

You guys has been very supportive since day one.
Even by reading to all the craps that has been written here or listening to the cakimaki dan complaints and by giving the ideas when I'm stuck somewhere...
You guys rocks!

It helps. Seriously.

Again, I am moving one step ahead.Hope things will be better soon. Insyaallah..
So, wish me luck! =)

* alia signing off from the office*

Cerita,berita dan airmata

Sejak petang tadi emosi tak tentu arah.
Menghabiskan masa di office yang akan aku tinggalkan. Derita rasa nak balik rumah sorang2
Macam2 berita masuk ke telinga.
Telefon berdering2..
Sms masuk keluar..
Hati tak keruan.

Family comes first.
Family is the basic foundation in life.

Aku tak pernah amik peduli sangat dengan pernyataan diatas.
I used to be selfish!
Aku tak heran sangat dengan mak abah..
Adik beradik punya attitude yang kadang2 membuatkan aku naik angin satu badan- selalu aku abaikan.
Hidup aku - aku punya cerita.
Teruk kan?

Semenjak jadi baik ni - balik kepangkuan jalan- bak kata mummy Todt ;p
Apa mak abah cakap- aku dengar
Dan mak abah jugaklah yang aku junjung atas kepala dan semat dalam hati.
Adik beradik lah tunjang kekuatan selain daripada Todt- anak buah kesayangan.

Kalau nak diikutkan- dengan berita abah yang admitted kat hospital sekarang,
Maunya aku rasa nak terbang balik ke JB- la ni jugak.
Mak kata- Sabar...
Lagipun esok dah last day keje kat office tu.
Handover nak kena buat esok jugak.
Malam esok- ada function and harap2 jadilah plan seorang kawan yang nak teman aku balik JB esok malam. *Insyallah*
If not- esok malam atau;pun awal2 pagi aku usahakan nak balik jenguk abah..

Abah jarang sakit.
Abah selalu sihat, even batuk2 isap rokok dia tu selalu ada je bersama.
Tak heran sangat- sebab dia memang selalu batuk.
Abah kuat. Abah hebat
Aku memang bukan anak yang rapat ngn abah.
Berbual pun jarang sekali.
Semenjak dua ni je baru reti bercakap dengan abah. Itu pun pasal kerja yang bersangkut paut dengan manusia pakai uniform. Hemmm.. =P
Kalau tak, rasanya- tak borak pun kot. Aku bukan macam kaklong- yang sentiasa dihati abah dan pandai beli jiwa abah.
Aku rapat dengan mak. Walaupun dulu selalu salah faham dan jadi anak derhaka serta sering membuatkan mak mengalirkan air mata.
Teruk kan?

Tapi hari ni, giliran aku menangis macam mati laki.
Risaunya dihati- tuhan je yang tahu.
Jam sekarang pukul 3.33 pagi. Aku masih tak boleh tidur. (Masalah tidur makin menjadi2)
Hati tak senang.
Call mak berpuluh kali.
Muka abah bermain2 dalam kepala otak.

Sekarang baru nak rasa? Ha...tu la dia!
Yer.. manusia-memang begitu.
Mak kata semua ok2 je kot?! Tapi hati tetap tak tenteram.

Nasib baik ada seorang hamba Allah datang bawak pergi makan dan cuba nak tenteramkan hati aku. Terima kasih. I really appriciate the effort. =)

Aku jarang nak tunjuk sayang kat abah. Sebab dulu selalu kena belasah dan ada rasa tak puas hati bila Abah selalu menangkan Kaklong kalau aku bertarik rambut dengan dia.
Aku selalu rasa abah tak sayang aku.
Ikutkan sangat perasaan nih...=)

Semenjak dua aku rapat dengan abah..
Bila balik, kami borak sambil berasap dekat dapur.
Dah jadi geng! hehe
Abah open minded dan cita2 dia nak aku jadi pegawai tinggi kerajaan*insyallah..panjang umur abah..aku sampaikan apa yang mampu* dan selalu sokong dengan apa yang aku nak buat dalam hidup.
Abah tak cerewet dan abah sangat senang nak sesuaikan diri dengan orang.
Malah, perangai "peramah" aku tu diwarisi dari abah la. Heheh..
Mak cakap- peramah sangat! Kepoh pun iye :P

Emosional betul ni.
Abah...hem...Abah dah berpuluh tahun tak admitted kat hospital.
Serius aku risau.
Aku sangat harap dapat start journey balik JB esok malam walaupun keadaan ekonomi wanita bujang ini kurang memuaskan.

Mata bengkak tatkala bertemu kawan yang berhati mulia bawak aku keluar makan tadi.
Dia kata - "Tidur awal- Letih kalau menangis banyak ni"

Semalam aku dengar cerita Na -masa arwah ayah dia meninggalkan dorang satu famili 4 tahun lepas. Sejak semalam lagi dah start emo.
Sedih.

Aku harap abah ok.
Abah hebat kan? Abah steady ...
Aku sayang abah walaupun secara zahirnya jarang aku lafazkan- tunggu setahun sekali masa mintak maaf hari raya je :P

Sekarang - time ada, sila appriciate mak bapak kita.
Nanti kalau dah takde- time tu plak sibuk nak pi Rumah Sri Kenangan, umah orang tua2- nak mintak kasih sayang dr mak bapak orang lain... Heheh.. Tak ke rugi tu?
Hem...
Doakan aku ditemani kawan yang baik hati itu untuk balik ke JB esok malam eh

Alia sayang abah. Banyak

*Favourite pic aku dengan Abah masa umur 4 tahun*

Selepas 17 tahun dari gambar diatas -*Abah-aku-mak @ LUCT Graduation ceremony 2008* Aku ingat lagi ,abah nangis peluk aku masa graduation ni. Abah tak pernah percaya yang aku boleh habiskan belajar- sebab aku banyak main! Hehehe...
Tapi abah selalu sokong dan sangat boleh berkompromi.

Aku sayang mak dan abah. =(

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Abah.

Harap abah ok.

*Doa banyak2*

Abah jarang sakit.. hem...
=(

Bukan senang nak hidup sorang dan senang

Duduk2 menghadap komputer kat ofis ni membuatkan aku berfikir jauh.

Bukan senang nak jadi senang.

Memang betul pun.
Duduk2 menghembus asap
Aku berfikir lagi.

Hidup seorang pun bukan senang.
Sekarang- semua nak kena fikir sendiri.
Jadual waktu- hidup dan masa depan.

Masa2 ni lah dok rindu mak ngn abah.
Rasa sunyi sorang sangat.
Dulu- tak payah fikir banyak.
Merungut2..ada orang bagi buah fikiran.
Membebel2..ada orang tenangkan.

Sekarang ... tak sesenang dulu.
Kemudian? siapa tahu..

Hal rumah, hal kereta, hal diri, soal hati, soal perasaan, soal ongkos , soal matlamat, soal masa depan.

Phew- dah 25 baru nak start fikir!
Rasa nak packing barang dan chow tinggalkan semua.
Tapi tu pengecut!
Nak lari buat apa? Takde muka!
Malu kot?!

Duduk2 berfikir jauh.
Apa nak jadi lepas ni?
Plan dah ada. Execution - mampu kah?

Kesian tgk mak ngn abah.
Abah sakit sket.
Mak runsing.

Mak pernah cakap-
5 tahun dia simpan beban dengan soal hidup aku yang dia tahu akhirnya tak kan kemana.
Zalim kan aku?
Ishk..

Duduk2 berfikir jauh..
Kawan2 jela yang ada nak membantu.
Kawan rapat? teman tapi mesra?
Hahaha..- tu soal kedua.

Hidup memang tak boleh sendiri.
Aku selalu cakap aku da besar...mesti boleh buat banyak benda sendiri.
Ramai org tgh tunggu nak tepuk tangan JIKA aku tak mampu nak habiskan plan.
Huishhhh!
Nak tgk org jatuh memang senang. Jadi kena mau jaga2.
Cakap siang pandang2..buat apa pun mau kena tengok kiri kanan.

Duduk2 merenung jauh...
Sunyi sepi rasanya.
Dengan siapa mau share? Kawan2? Yer..tapi tak semua orang ada masa 24 jam nak layan manusia cam aku.

Sekarang- banyak duduk sorang2. Layan dvd. Berasap. Berfikir. Berzikir.

Mari execute plan yang ada.
Oh..esok hari last di office ni dan yang bestnya- Laptop office plak buat pasal. :) Tak mahu on pun! Hahahahaha.
Great.
Jiwa sakit kot camni?!
=P

Hm.. jacket kaler coklat sudah hilang bau sedap.
Hemmm....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Leaving on a jet plane....

I am singing this song again in the office.. ;)

Goodbye everyone in this office...=D

I had enough with everything here.. (even for several months)
The experience is worth for a lifetime.. (No regrets)
But, its time to move on..
Something better is waiting for me out there. (Insyallah)

I am kinda shutting down everything. - Some people/some stuff/something-
I practically don't have anything besides- myself, precious family, loving friends and my car- oh! including my stuff at my place.
So, why bother about anyone else?

People will never appriciate you if you are not somebody.
I always remember that.
Therefore, I need to find something that will make it worth in my life.
Searching mode activated.

Leaving soon!
May god bless me and everybody.
Three days and counting!
Good luck to me- again! ;)

Friday, January 15, 2010

2 jam dan 05 minit

"Subhanallah...kau terbang ke?"

"Astaghfirullah..laju nya...!"

Aku diam.
Laju ke?
Tol to tol
Skudai ke Sg Besi dalam masa 2 jam 05 min?
Hemm...

Serious tak perasan.
Mintak maaf pada mummy yang urut dada dan susah hati bila aku drive balik KL sorang dalam jangka masa diatas.
Ampun..
betul tak perasan..

Ngeri jugak bila difikir2kan balik..
Kereta buatan Malaysia itu mampu membawa aku selaju itu.
Eh..laju ke?
Huihh...seram sejuk jugak bila ingat mummy membebel dari corong telefon..

Apa nak buat..
Doakan yang baik2 je..
Insyallah semua ok..:)

Sudah-sudahlah tu

Siri tv Melayu sekarang ni- tak kiralah dekat stesen2 swasta mahupun stesen tv kerajaan semua nak tayang cerita hantu.

Sangat bermusim
Jangan pandang depan la..jgn pandang kiri kanan la..jgn pandang atas bawah la.

Hey, come on lahh!
Dah ketandusan idea ke?
Aku naik fedup bila tengok tv time malam2 terutamanya hari Khamis malam Jumaat (macam malam tadi)

Tekan channel tv ini- cerita hantu..santau sentap segala..
Tekan channel tv itu- cerita hantu penanggal penggal sengal semua.
Tukar channel tv yang sana- pun sama
Tukar channel tv yang sini pun itu jugak genre ceritanya.

Apa kes, oi?!
Kalau tak cerita hantu- cerita orang kaya yang berhasad dengki, gila perempuan, skandal,gejala sosial, sombong..hemmm.. Ops..orang melayu -secara spesifiknya!

Aku ni bukak kaki layan tv sangat.. Tapi disebabkan kebosanan yang melanda bila balik rumah tak buat apa..tu jela kerja aku - walaupun tak mampu nak pasang siaran berbayar bulan2..aku perhatikan ke-streotype-an stesen2 tv ni...

Bagi cerita lain la!
Tak semua orang minat cerita hantu dan cerita2 yang biasa2 cam tu...
Letih kot?!

Sudah2 la dengan cerita bermacam hantu yang memomokkan masyarakat kita dan juga secara tidak langsungnya meng-identitikan masyarakat Melayu ni tak maju2.. percaya perkara mistik 24/7..eksyen..kerek..takde pendirian.. hemm..Sudah2 la tu....Malu kot?!

Ni memang komplen.Ni pun cakap2 sebagai salah seorang penonton tv free di Malaysia ni.
Harap2 ada yang amik port :)

p/s: Hasil taip-an seorang manusia yang tak boleh tengok cerita hantu...Penakut dan sekarang suka tengok cerita Cinta Balqis...Kesian Hasan- sengal jugak mamat tu kadang2 aku tengok! Heheheh ;p

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Stand still, baby!

I could say this ;

I am not that strong,
Mentally.

I couldnt even control my emotion especially my tears.
Heh kan?
Cengeng. Gembeng - Pernah dengar perkataan itu? Haha :P

I may look tough-strong-rough or even hebat.
But deep inside- I am just opposite all of the above.

I couldnt read that particularly email that has been sent to me early this week.
Haihh...

Tears- automatically dropped from my eyes.
Sensitive sangat.
Well, I did replied it.
But I realized that I have to stand on my motion.

Friends-just friends.
I have to control my emotion and my mind.
I couldnt turn back anymore...

And I remember what Mummy told me last two nights...
I do not know whether it was like sort of reminder or notice or something..
But what did she said makes me think that I really have to move on and stand still with my decision.


"If you turn back, you just have to forget me(ur mother) forever"


Its really bad huh?
And practically, I am missing the good moments but I know those are memories that I will be holing it for the rest of my life.

p/s: I feel like I'm one of the character in "drama sandiwara semasa" .
Heh kan? Life is so dramatique!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

2hrs 37 minutes, Homesick and Other kind of sickness

Here I am in my beloved hometown, JB.
The smell of the air makes me smile.
Where is the best place for me?
My parents house!
Short rehab session-

The journey started late.
Really late-
As I drove my sweet Jackie- I tend not to think about things that happened for the past few months.
I smiled and looked at the brown jacket which was given by someone after dinner.
"Sejuk"- thats the reason.
I find it ok coz it smells good..Really good. Hemm...

I've made new record for myself.
Tol to tol.
Sg Besi to Skudai...with my sweet little Jackie
2 hrs and 27 mins.
Its Monday,not many cars on the road and of course to make myself awake- I have to smoke, listening to the loud music and try not to think of something which may lead me to cry.

Am I that strong?
A friend of mine- in her blog ,stated that she thought that I could move on. Thank you cik Shiekin Haron for the indirect support.
Well,I am moving on but it will take some times and I would'nt repeat the same mistake and I always take it as the greatest experience in 25 years of life.

Love - subjective!
Life- is everything
Money- is really something!

I have decided to put the first subject (on the above para)- aside! (currently)
My focus now is to get more money in order for me to reach the best stage of life - like what I always wanted.

Homesick- I really eat a lot. -Mom's cook is the best kan?
I did the laundry with mummy's help and I am currently in an uncertain mood. (Like always) =)
Going back to KL really soon. Still depending on my mood. Hehe
Looking for a good start and I am glad that I had the support from all over the place.

And I will be sleeping on my bed in my parent's house...That is the best thing!
Nite everyone.
Sleep tide.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Sleeping beauty..

I wish I could fell asleep as easy as before.
Heh...


Let me just feel it again...
I am tired of having a sleepless night....
and I am sick of nightmares....

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Susah hati

Susah hati- tak sukanya rasa camni..
Datangnya susah hati ni bila apa yang kita harapkan mungkin tak jadi...dan apa kita plan kan mungkin tak tercapai..

Macammana nak buangkan rasa susah hati ni?
Ok..hari ni betul2 susah hati..
Sikit punya pasal mood semua dah lari...

Ada dua tiga benda yang membuatkan kita susah hati..Pandang kanan
Pandang kiri..
Cuba ketawa..Ingat benda2 lawak..still rasa susah hati..
Pendek kata- selagi tak sampai hajat tu- selagi tu susah hati...

Hem.. semua rasa tak kena..
Tak suka la rasa camni...
Nak balik tdo la ...

Dok kat ofis melangok tak buat apa pun...
Susah hati makin menjadi2...
Hemmm.....

Heh kan rasa susah hati camni..
Mari doa banyak2 dalam hati..cuma doa je yang mampu dibuat kala ini..
=(
Lea betul2 susah hati ni...
Haihh...

Monday, January 4, 2010

Feeling sick

Here I am..On my bed - Monday morning-1st working day in 2010 at 11.20 am
I feel sick suddenly- this morning..
I haven't feel this way for more than 3-4 months..

Rasa sejuk..I am folding myself with gebar.
Laptop atas peha, the tv is on...
Feel down and seram sejuk.

I am alone....at home where all the housemates are missing in action.
I don't feel good..seriously.

Mengada2? Nope.
Why should I do this when I have no one around me? Heh..
I am sick in and out.
But still can smoke..-consider ok lagi la tu..:P

But, I am telling myself to be strong..mandi and will be driving to the clinic..soon!
Da besar dah...tak yah mintak tolong orang selagi larat..Lagipun nak jadi independent, kenalah buat semua benda sendiri... hemm.....

=) Jangan biarkan diri anda demam dalam dan luaran...disebabkan kesepian yang dialami..Phew..makan dalam tu.....:P

Make it private and welcome 2010

I make it private just for one day..
Cleared all the irrelevant posting related to my previous relationship.
Hemm...
I would like to let go all the memories that I've been holding it for the past more less 5 years.

My first posting on 2010.
Oh..my new year celebration- Is there any? Heheh..
I went out for a small shopping therapy with a housemate- Na.
KLCC was so packed with thousands faces..
We laughed....We shopped..We smoke... we bought pizza and potato salad- then let ourselves enjoying the views by sitting on the walkway-
Laughed, giggled and feel the greatness of being single again.

We went back at 10pm..Had dinner at Cosy Place...We were the last customer of 2009!
Watched the fireworks while driving along DUKE and went to the cyber cafe before we reached home around 3 am...

It was fun! Even without a partner- we had much fun by doing whatever we want without have to think of anybody =)
But the feelings- not entirely happy ..It was fun until we lay down on our bed.
Alone. Sepi.
Oh..sangat single rasanya! Hemm...
Tutup mata- matikan rasa sepi dan terus tido!


The excitement continued on the 1st January itself...
Heh! =) Let me keep it to myself.. Hemmmm....
But I really had fun ;)
Pipi sakit sebab ketawa dan senyum tak berhenti...
The weekend was a great one...:)

It was a good start for me in 2010.
I have my friends, my close friends and my best friends around me..
The most important thing- I have my family who always be by myside... ;)

Welcome 2010.
I already opening my new book and lets continue the adventure!