Open your heart and feel it

This few days, I am getting better- emotionally.

Alhamdulillah.

Work wise- yup. Even I had to stay back quite late most of the day...and the berukband sucks..I still cud control my emotions.

Oh, I've sent it back already.

Done!

Lets switch to another provider! Heh!

Lovelife- still vacant.

But I am much relief when something good happened recently.

I am no longer waiting for something unconfirmed... I've made up my mind towards certain unsettled issues.

and the guilt feelings is lesser.

When you open your heart widely..you could feel it.

Insyallah..things are better these days.

Even financially doesn't seems to improved..I am still glad that the heart doesn't feel much pain as before.

I am hoping that this peaceful sounds will lasts for quite sometimes...

Insyallah...

Oh.. btw, I would like to thanked that particular person who accepting my "sorry" and that person who can make me smile.

Friends.. you guys are the best!

I am opening my heart now...Widen my eyes, let it feel the beautiful of it and praying for the best!

Don’t tell me

I’m in a w*r now.

This berukband which I thought could make me happy as a new boyfriend, turned out to be so irritating!

Heh!

But well, I still have another 6 days to see whether this piece of thing needs to be kept or sent back to where it came from.

Sighh….

Recently, I heard some people said to me;

“Look at the mirror and get to know yourself”

“Think, analyze and understand yourself”

Owwwkay!

Even I always mentioned here that – I don’t really know myself..I don’t understand myself-When me is no longer being me or whatsoever sh*t..bla bla bla..

BUT…I am getting sick when people keep highlighting those issues.

Hello!

I am standing in front of the mirror everyday – while getting ready to work..

I am analyzing myself everyday-even without me realizing it..

I am getting to know myself every each time – even tears are always be my best friend.

So, please guys..

Even I am a mess..

Even, I am nonsense sometimes..

Even, I am upside down most of the times..

Please do think about the good side of me..

Please show some respect.

Support me in a positive way- coz I couldn’t digest all this reverse psychology anymore.

I need real facts!

I need positive ways of telling me how I could build up my life again after all the idiotic situations that I’ve went through.

I don’t need EXTRA SARCASM in my life anymore.

I might be a mess, insecure, unhappy..

But at least- I’m still a human which is much much better than what you think.

Please- don’t ask me to look at the mirror – coz I am already beautiful

Please- don’t ask me to think to get the understanding on who am I- coz I’ve been doing it every second in my life

And

Please- don’t give me your sympathy- Coz I already got it from my family and friends.

Don’t tell me what to do

I hate sarcastic sentences and negative attitude towards me.

Please stop and go away because you are not helping.

I don’t care who you are and how big is the impact that you gave into my life or even you’ve been helping me a lot or I do like you or I’ve been doing some funny things with you lately..

I just don’t care.

Again- please leave.

Thank you.

=)

Yang berkualiti

Aku hidup memang berteman.
Bila da kembali hidup seorang ni membuatkan aku berfikir tentang sang bekas-bekas kekasih yang pernah berkongsi rasa, bercinta derita, hidup bersama suka dan suka dengan aku.

Ada yang berkualiti?
Setiap manusia itu ada kelebihan dan kekurangannya.
Ini termasuk la kualiti yang ada pada mereka.

Ada yang pandai cari duit, ada yang suka enjoy, ada yang matured, ada yang tak fikir panjang, ada yang manja, ada yang takut ,ada yang berani, ada yang hebat menulis, ada yang hebat memandu, ada yang garang, ada yang suka mengarut, ada yang kaki IT, ada yang suka makan, ada yang eksyen bagus, ada yang gila talak, ada yang tak sedar diri, ada yang takde hati perut, ada yang takde keyakinan diri, ada yang penipu, ada yang dungu dan macam2 lagi.

Oh, bukan seorang dua sang bekas kekasih yang pernah singgah dihati ini. ;P

Berbalik pada topik diatas, kualiti apakah yang dicari seorang wanita dari lelaki itu.
25 tahun bernafas dibumi tuhan, aku masih tak faham
Wanita da tentunya kompleks dengan emosi yang tak menentu dan terutamanya aku- yang kadang2 tak tahu apa yang dimahukan kala itu.

Namun, ada juga lelaki begitu.
Kualiti yang ada pada diri mereka kadang kala tidak digunakan sepenuhnya.
Termangu tak jadi apa.

Apakah kualiti yang aku mahukan pada seorang makhluk tuhan yang jantinanya berbeza dari aku itu?

• Segak dalam dan luar?
• Hebat bergaya walaupun dalam bank tinggal 10 ringgit je?
• Suka belanja duit sendiri ataupun yang suka ketuk duit kita?
  
• Hidup berwawasan ataupun yang suka bermalas-malasan?
• Hormat kaum wanita cam kite ataupun dia hanya respect mak,kakak dan adiknya aje?
• Wang berguni2 atau berkepuk2 dalam bank?
• Orang gomen ataupun keje biasa2?
• Jantan keparat@ korporat?
• Anak dato' @ datuk yang da beratus cucunya?
• Berkereta jenama luar negara ataupun yang drive Myvi cam aku aje?
• Tinggi cam galah ataupun yang rendang tak berbuah tu je?
• Mulut manis bak gula ataupun pedas mulutnya bila bercakap rasa nak bagi penampar aje?
• Lelaki yang asyik kerjanya nak bersenggama aje ataupun yang suka kaum sejenisnya?

Sekarang-aku tgh cari jawapan aku dari soalan diatas..
Korang camne?

Suka lelaki yang kualitinya bagaimana?

Monday-what a day.

See? I am still in the office at this time.

Need to finish up the tender proposal which I've been working on since last week.

10 a.m, tomorrow- due date.

Monday- what a day.

My emotions? Better.

I am trying to consult my heart by myself-

Trying to tell that -"you couldn't live like this..you could't behave like that and you are no supposed to feel like whatever".

And trying to live strong.

Plus, I have the support from Mummy who is being calling me like 18 times a day. =)

Honestly, it works! (At least for today)

My phone -doesn't really make noise for the entire day.

Not really many texts in and not many texts out.

Silent.

Sometimes it kills me. Seriously.

Pathetically,I'm still missing the same person.

But trying hard not to mess up my day by giving a call or text that particular human being.

However, I did laugh a lot today.

Angpows!

Masyuk sikit!

Thanks to the bosses.

Best! =)

At least it can help me till end of the month.

Besides finishing the tender proposal, I let myself wasting my time in the office.

Why?

Cause I don't wanna feel alone.

Reach home alone-eat alone- watch tv alone- doing things alone. Heh kan?

I still can't sleep tight at night.

But overall, this Monday- is not that bad! ;)

I just realized that I couldn't sleep alone lah..damn!

Far Far Far

I feel like going far far far far far far far away from here.

Where the shadow can't follow.

Memories- stop following me because its simply not worth it.

Really.

Balik la oiiiiiii!!!

Kepala otak da stuck ni.

Damn!

Sobs sobs sobss

*Nak peluk*

I miss my comfort zone..Tsk tsk..tskk.. :((

Rambling Ramble

I am pretty blur at this moment.

Its Sunday evening and I am in the office.

Trying hard to finish the proposal to submit the tender on Tuesday.

Sighhh..

I just can't sit and do nothing also pretending that nothing is happening in my life.

Regret?

Always.

I am living in the situation where you don't actually know what do you feel.

Pathetic.

Happy? That is the last thing on my mind.

Pretending to be happy? Always.

Financial? Unstable

Mental? Here and there.

Love-life? Where got???

Life is already complicated as I always mentioned.

Therefore, I would simplify all the nonsense into nothing.

Shut down everything and leave.

Do you think its easy?

Nahhh...

I'm paying all the debts now.

Living in a regretful situation is not as easy as you can see.

I need new smell which can bring me to a new spirit of life.

Like mummy always taught me- to be strong.

They wouldn't feel how hard to go through this.

Even- I am the one who made all the decision.

;)

Happy now?- someone might ask me that question.

Haha.

Ok. wake up and smell the coffee.

I just can't think straight.

Woaaaaaahhh...

Ive lost the one that I can't live without(which I'm the one who left) and I am ready to go..

Its just..the memories and the loneliness thats killing me.

Fcuk fuck Fcuk!

I need a good start.

Really.

But I love my new crib. ;)

Make me smile widely again. Please =(

B*itch

Yela yela.

I am that Bitch!

There is nothing that I can do to make things right.

Please blame me for all that.

Thank you.

*I wish I can HATE you*

Done!

Valentine's Day.

=)

It will be another fav movie!

Nuff said!

p/s: who says you cant have fun if you are single? I went to watch this with my lil sister. Couple seat and yet we still have fun! (Indenial!) Haha

Trouble with Love is..

Trouble with Love is...

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,It'll fool ya every time
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blueI
'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
Every time I turn aroundI think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two
The trouble with love, yeah
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
It's in your heart
It's in your soul
You won't get no control
See, you got no say at all

Read those lyrics?
It is so fcukin true.
Either you are the victim or you victimised the other party..
Still..It breaks your heart.
No matter what.

Love-supposedly makes you fly.
Love- not supposed to make you suffer.
You have a right to choose.

Like me..currently..
I don't want to choose.
I just like to wait and see.
Till god knows when.
Heh.

Love Love Love..
Tired heh?
Its February. =)

To you guys... love ...means?

Pernyataan itu. Adam dan Hawa

"...Dia da tak kawan dengan budak tu..Dulu sy da cakap, kaum hawa ni ada masanya macam %^&*$#% :D"

Ayat sms itu datang dari seorang lelaki bujang yang sudahpun sukses dalam hidup. Semua dah ada..Cukup lengkap pakej yang dipunyai.
Yang mana beliau mungkin juga ego..mahupun berlagak..atau pun rasa diri sangat hebat. Macam best!

Takpun ..beliau seorang pengamal hubungan sejenis (yang sememangnya tak memerlukan kaum hawa dalam kehidupan)...atau beliau itu seorang lelaki normal yang benar2 merasakan kaum hawa ini kadang kala menyusahkan hidup lelaki2 hebat seperti beliau.

Sejauh mana kebenaran pernyataan diatas?

Hawa dijadikan untuk Adam.
Hawa menyusahkan Adam ke?

Perempuan- madu dan juga racun.
Madu bila perlu..
Racun bila menyakitkan hati.

Balasan aku dr teks diatas
"Terima kasih :)"

Tak perlu rasanya nak tulis panjang2 sebagai nak membalas pernyataan beliau.
Walaupun sebagai seorang wanita,rasa tak puas hati tersemat juga dalam sanubari bila membaca teks nya itu.

Sama juga macam lelaki.
Ada masa - dialah segalanya.
Kadangkala- rasa cam nak sepak je!
Betul tak?

Konteks pernyataan diatas adakala sangat mengelirukan.
Ini membuatkan aku berfikir...
Macam mana seorang lelaki itu boleh nikah..kahwin..cium peluk..hidup sebumbung dengan seorang wanita..KALAU lah ada sesetengah dari kaum mereka yang mengatakan "kaum hawa ni ada masanya macam %^&*$#% "
Dasyat jugak bapak2 kita eh..Boleh menghadap %^&*$#% kaum hawa yang bergelar isteri tu eh?
Bukan sehari dua..Berpuluh tahun pulak tu!
;)

Haih..dunia ni macam2..
Apa agaknya kesimpulan dari pernyataan si lelaki yang lancang betul tangannya menaip segala isi hati dengan tanpa mengambil berat perasaan seluruh kaum hawa dalam dunia ni.

Heh kan?
Masa nak peluk- cari bini..(yang mana bergelar kaum hawa)
Masa nak suruh buat air..gosok baju...waimah nak beromen pun - cari bini (yang juga kaum Hawa)
Masa nak cari kilang nak beranak- masih lagi cari bini..isteri..(yang mana kaum hawa,ibu kepada zuriatnya)

Tapi...bila kaum hawa tunjuk perangai..buat kelaku sikit..mengada2 manja.. Terus saja,kaum hawa disamakan macam %^&*$#% pulak!
Hehhhh nya!

=)
Mari difikirkan..

*Mana nak cari lelaki dalam dunia ni..yang tak rasa "kaum hawa ni kadang2 macam %^&*$#% ?*

Reformat

I miss him.
Badly.

By remembering the good moments and suprises that I used to get when with him..
I couldnt resist the distraction.

Its 14 February.
and I am missing him again.
Missing all the good times together.

Oh. I wish that my mind can be reformatted like a cpu.
Delete all the memories and the past.
But it can't be done.

Memories- please go away.
I can't take it anymore.
Please leave...thanks.
=(

That kinda question

Recently- as I mentioned before,
I always received few phone calls from some kind of people who asked "that kinda question"

It was really pissed me off.
I hate to answer that kinda question again ..and again..and again..

Ya..ya..everyone is blaming me at the moment.
If they already know what happened..whos to blame..whos right ..whos wrong..whos black and whos white..
So what?
and why need a verification from me?

Bla bla bla. Whatever..whatever..whatever..
Should I tell the whole world that we are no longer together?

I know- we are so synonym to each other.
He and she.
Him and her.
Here and there.

It just not working out.
I don't have to justify why..how..when...
thennnn????
But living in a same world..same continent..same country and same city..
I just can't run away.
People might ask..everytime..everywhere..

Ok. give me a break.
Let me simplify it by saying..
I am the bad guy.

Is that enough?
So, please...please...do not call my mobile- just to ask..
"that kinda question"
I would not entertain it..again!

Sigh...really tired.
It really makes me sick!
Inside and outside.

Im sad as well...i don't have to explain every single details. They wouldn't understand pun!
Haihhhh...

Again...
Happy V day everybody.
=)

Pathetic Fun Girl

Should I call myself with that name.
Heh kan?

Pathetic Fun Girl
Remind me of Na..
We created that name on the new year's eve.
Recently -2010.
When we spent our new year celebration together at KLCC for Na's retail theraphy.
Damn!

V day- again.
This is my 3rd time celebrating it in JB- 3rd time-if Im not mistaken.
Even I had "someone to call my lover" at that time- (due to the merajukness attitude that I showed to him..even he won't realized or wouldn't understand)
I was spending my V day moment in my hometown.
And yet- still. until today.
So whats the different then?
=P

I always wanted to be a princess.
Special treatment all the time.
I remembered- last time I celebrated the very best of V day celebration, in 2006
Le'Meridien KL.
It was a great CDL session.
Wah..I am missing all the good time.

But today,
I am single and missing a CDL moments again.
But remember the fact that
Me- Pathetic Fun girl.
What to do today?

Happy V day everyone.
Do not overspent
Do not overslept
Do not even think of forever and ever.

Just be greatful on what you have or otherwise- U'll be missing all the great time that you used to have (even you don't want to go back or repeat those great moments)- Just like me.

Again- Have a great V day everyone. (regardless whether you celebrating it or not..)
;)

Again...Wish me luck

Ive went through all the 2 stages.

This is it.

The last stage which could change my life forever.

Harapan?

Mesti ada

The passion is there.

Keyakinan dan semangat memang ada.

Takut?

Siapa tak?

Mari doa banyak2

Insyallah ;)

13 years and counting

Ida, Shikin, Alia, Norli.

Port Dickson. February 2010

We were together when we were 12.

We talked.

We laughed.

We yelled.

We smiled.

We fought.

We cursed.

We whispered.
We cried.

We learnt.

We did all that in 1997

After 13 years

The bonding is still there.

The friendship.

The joy

The fun

and we are still acting like we are 12. Heh kan?

I miss them all.

I love them all.

Even we haven't seen each other for quite sometimes..

But the love is still there.

I really appreciate the friendship.

Love you guys...=)

Till we meet again- soon!

Yabedabedu! :)

7.19 and Monday Blues

That is the time when I started to write this.

Yup. I am still at the office.

Facebooking...Youtubing and do nothing.

Bad Monday blues really hit me today.

Pathetic.

Missing the person who I couldn't even have a right to miss...

Thinking about the person that I don't even know what the heart says..

Dreaming of hugging a person who makes me comfortable..

I am moving on.

Slow and steady.

So what?

I am human.

I can't control the feelings sometimes.

I just need to let it go.

And I need to let people know :)

Otherwise I'll be dead. Alone.

Well...last weekend was really hectic.

Move in to my new crib. Fell in love with this one!;)

My primary school's friends came over and make me happy.

Even I felt sorrow inside.

Hollow.

I am trying hard to make myself happy.

I made mistakes. Thousands of mistakes.

I don't care and I am straightening my life with my own way.

Sighing doesnt make any different.

Lets move on.

Oh..terima kasih pd rakan2 yang sudi membantu pada hari sabtu lalu.

Sayang korang semua.

...............

"i wish u all the happiness the world can give...
may u be blessed with good fortunes
rezeki yg melimpah
sehat sejahtera..
gembira selalu...
disamping mereka2, insan2, sahabat2 dan kawan yang menyayangi diri u
dan disayangi oleh diri u..."

Aku tak pastu dengan keikhlasan ayat2 diatas...

Namun, aku dapat menghidu ke"sarkastik"annya.

Dia berhak nak kata apa saja.

Sebab aku pengkhianat cinta.

Aku rindu dia.

Itu saja.

Bersama bukan sehari dua. Bukan mudah nak lupa dan ubah semua dalam sekelip mata.

Walaupun itu adalah kehendak aku semuanya.

Mari harungi hari2 akan datang.

Rindu itu ku semat ke rusuk hati.

Airmata bagai tak tertahan2.

Teringat nolstagia lalu bagai skrin dimata hati.

Cerita dulu tak sama cerita sekarang.

Bayarlah dengan apa yang telah dicagarkan.

Hidup lah dengan kekuatan.

Menanti cahaya masa hadapan.

*aku-perempuan yang tak brapa baik itu*

Rindu

I am pathetically missing him this morning.

I cried and I still missing him.

It was really bad.

I feel so down

After what we went through together.

This is the end of it.

I am the one who should be blamed for.

Why am I still missing him?

Gile kan?

I am the one who make the decision.

and sometimes I do regret.

but sometimes I just ignore it.

The feeling is so strong.

and I am missing him till now...

However, there is nothing that I can do..

=(

Mood moooood Mooooooooooooood

Takde mood.

Sangat serious.

Rasa nak balik tidur.

Serious hilang mood.

Macam hampeh je rasa.

Nak period dah agaknya ni..

Susah jadi perempuan.

Mood kat sana sini. mengada2!

Jom balik!

Bye.

Stop

I couldn't let it flow..

I couldn't even let it go..

I couldn't control it.

I couldn't understand it.

I couldn't dream of it..

I couldn't let my emotion follows the feelings.

There are no "we"

There is only "me"

I miss that person.

But I just have to stop - coz I saw the sign that

It will not go anywhere.

Keep the feelings even it will killing me inside.

Sad- isn't?

We are not more than just "friends"

Pathetic.

Stop.

Thank you.

=)